Broken
by DreamRain-Letters
Summary: "Yep, yep. I definitely love you…" a tear fell down his cheek and he closed his eyes tight as he felt a familiar shaking in his body start. He didn't want to start sobbing. What if Mels saw him? What would he tell him?
1. Chapter 1

Matt tipped the bottle of scotch and let the vile liquid snake down his throat. He sat on the floor of their apartment. It was a cheap dirty apartment with an ugly green patched up couch. Empty candy rappers and take out boxes covered the floors. He sat curled in a ball in the same clothes he was wearing yesterday. He stood up and made a wobbly attempt to drag himself to the light switch. It was getting dark and he knew that if he couldn't get to the switch soon he would be impaled in the darkness all night.

Mail Jeevas was not a drinker. He almost never drank. It was never safe to drink. With Mello there was no way he could risk it. But his beautiful roommate was fast asleep. He had been for awhile. And knowing the kind of cold he had, he would be for a long time. And that was okay. He had given up halfway through his attempt and now lay belly up staring at the ceiling. And that's when the dumbest, most out of character, and just plain stupid idea struck him. Crawling on all fours he made his way to the kitchen. He pulled himself up by gripping the table and fell into one of the chairs. The room spun for a few minutes until it slowed down enough for Matt to see. He forcefully grabbed a pen from a cup on the table causing it to spill the rest of the contents on the ground. He giggled slightly and found the piece of paper he had abandoned earlier. He really shouldn't have gotten drunk.

"I should be able to write this letter now." He said words slurring. He read them out loud even though his pen never actually hit the paper. He knew better, even in his drunk state, to leave that sort of thing on paper.

"Dear, asshole." He said creasing his eyebrows. Snicker.

"No…no wait. Sincere, okay." He stated starting over sighing trying to divert his drunkenness so he could make coherent thoughts.

"Dear, Mihael." He smiled softly knowing that was a perfect start. It didn't take long after those first few words for him to forget where he was. Who he was. And what he was actually doing in the first place.

"I have waited a really long time to say this. Not only have I sat back and watched you hurt yourself time and time again against Near, I have never been good enough to convince how amazing your really are. He has nothing on you. Nothing. And I don't see how you don't see that. It wouldn't matter if he beat you. Not to me." His eyes held back un-shed tears weakly and his voice was starting to shake.

"I wish I wasn't a coward. We've been best friends for so long. I feel like I don't deserve to be in your presence Mels. I can't tell you how much it hurts to be. I don't think you'll understand the torture I put myself through to keep us friends. To keep myself from fucking it up." he sighed sadly.

"And I know…I know you don't want to have a distraction. But don't worry about it because I won't bother you with me. I can hurt by myself. I'm used to it. Its okay." he said a little more softly. His eyes darted down to the table as the depression and hopelessness of the situation really sunk in.

"And I…" Matt's voice cracked. "I wish I could be good enough for you. I would do anything for you. Anything you asked. I would put my life on a silver fucking plate." He said through clenched teeth. Trying desperately to keep the tears from escaping. The familiar throb in his lower stomach rising up. Making his whole body shake and him to take a short shallow intakes of breath.

Despite his desperate refusals his tears somehow broke. They flew freely down his face and off his chin. He pulled his legs up on the chair and wrapped his arms around it. He sobbed for a good ten minutes he'd guess before he wiped his tears away and felt the 'oh so welcome' numb feeling overcome him. He dropped his legs and stared endlessly at the table and pen still in hand.

"I don't want to disappoint you." He said slurring still completely evident. He was still very, _very_ drunk. He opened the full bottle on the table, despite the almost empty one in the living room. He pulled it to his lips and took a huge gulp. His throat stung but he only winced a slight bit.

"Because I love you." He said. He sat in silence as if still thinking about it and then nodded his head vigorously.

"Yep, yep. I definitely love you…" a tear fell down his cheek and he closed his eyes tight as he felt a familiar shaking in his body start. He didn't want to start sobbing. What if Mels saw him? What would he tell him?

He shook his head 'no' and let out a long breath. Same old routine. Same old pain. Yet, even after years of this he felt like he had a new open gash in his heart and god fucking damn it, it hurt. He hadn't drank in the beginning. But he stopped cutting himself because he didn't want Mel to see it. He snorted. Even though he told himself he should stop taking shit from the man he couldn't. He obeyed him like a dog. He was the only, and I mean _only_, person Matt would let talk to him like that. But he still didn't want Mello to hurt the way he did. Mostly he didn't want his fucking pity. That would be even worse than this. Seeing Mello feel bad for him. Make him feel pathetic. No way in bloody fucking hell.

A hand brushed the tears away from Matt's cheek and it took him a whole second to realize. He snapped his eyes open and fell backwards in his chair fumbling. He felt a panic rise from him as he looked up to piercing blue eyes.

"I…I'm…" he fumbled over his words. His heart sunk deep down in his chest. So low he wasn't sure he'd ever find it. He wanted to look away. Hideaway his shame but he couldn't keep his eyes off the man. The man sitting in front of him. The one who was looking in his soul searching for an answer. He held absolutely no expression. He always hid his feelings from him. He shouldn't be surprised. But knowing that made him pissed.

He felt that same heat rise in his face again. "I'm drunk." He stated after a few moments of silence. The blonde across from him just chuckled.

"I see that." He replies.

He tried not to look at him. It would knock down all those beautiful walls he kept up so well. His psyche was already being compromised by being so drunk. Matt, again, was a terrible drunk. You know that saying, 'You don't do things you don't want to do when your sober, you just have more balls when your drunk'?

Well, that was Matt. He always had a habit of doing stupid things but when he was drunk it was like the _only _things he did.

"So…just out of curio-osity." He started frowning trying to pronounce the word. He must be more drunk then he thought. "Curiosity," he smiled.

"How long have you been standing there?" he asks innocently looking up at the blonde trying hard as hell to make his words understandable.

There was a long silence and Matt knew exactly what that meant. Of course he hadn't expected for the blond to come running up to him, hugging him and telling him he loved him but he couldn't help but feel a little disappointed at the lack of general behavior. He didn't seem to be phased at all. Okay, maybe a little. But not enough. Matt looked away quickly and shut his eyes. He gulped and let out a shaky breath. That hurt.

_Nothing to say Mello? For once in your god damn life you have nothing to say?_

"Long enough." Mello said softly.

"Well, I am really drunk. And my tummy hurts. And I think I'm going to go to bed." Matt said.

Mello opened his mouth to speak but Matt shushed him.

"I'm going to bed." He said firmly. No matter how bad he knew it was true, he just couldn't take Mello saying the actual words. It would hurt too much. He would just go to bed and hopefully blame this on him being drunk or say that he didn't remember it in the morning.

Mello didn't press him. He just furrowed his eyebrows. Which was weird, because he always had something to say. Instead he just held out his hand to help the brunette off the floor.

Matt shook his head. "I can do it." He said trying to lift himself on wobbly legs.

Mello sighed irritably. "No you can not. Let me help you." He said. He reached out to grab Matt but Matt moved out of the way. Instead he went fumbling backwards and fell over the kitchen chair bringing broken dishes down with him.

"Jesus Matt!" Mello exhaled and quickly knelt by Matt to pull him up.

"No!" Matt screamed feeling tears come out of his eyes. "I…I can do it." He said voice cracking.

Mello froze.

"Jesus matt…" he said almost inaudibly. He clenched his eyes shut and let out a deep breath. He knew his friend just needed a moment. There was no way he was going to get to the couch without him.

"Please let me help you." He said softly. Causing the man across from him to stare at him.

"Please?" he said lifting his hands up. "Your finally saying something nicely? Sheesh Mels. I didn't think you had it in you!" he said drunkenly letting a goofy smile run across the gamers face.

Mello couldn't help but smile back. "Well shit Matty, you almost cracked your head open." He said.

Matt giggled. "I know, I couldn't feel my legs." He said frowning and looking down.

"You mustn't drink so much." He said back to his friend while pulling his arm over his shoulder. Matt didn't refuse this time. Instead he let Mello wrap an arm around his waist and carry him off the floor.

"I don't drink!" he said pouting. "Only now. When you sleep." He said cheerfully. Not understanding what he truly said.

Mello swallowed hard. He hated seeing him like this. This wasn't like the gamer at all. He flopped Matt on the couch and threw a blanket over him while he curled into a ball.

He left the couch to move into the kitchen and clean up the shards of glass. It wasn't like he was a neat freak. Because he wasn't. It's just he didn't want to walk in here bare foot and cut himself. Or Matt to cut himself.

Once he accomplished his task he returned to the living room. Matt was passed out. Cold. He walked over to him and cleared a few hairs from his face.

"What am I supposed to do with you…?" he asked softly. The only reply he got back was silence. The eerie silence of night.

Once he was sure Matt was sleeping he went to the window that looked out over the slums of the city they lived in. He had led them here. To this disgusting place. Matt had tried to convince him he really didn't mind but Mello wouldn't listen. He would never forgive himself…not for Matt, not what he had done. And now, he had hurt him again. And he hadn't even known!

He felt a pinge of pain rech his heart and tears started to form in his eyes. He shook slightly and put his hand over his mouth. He screamed silently and dropped to his knee's letting his head hang.

"I'm sorry matt… I'm so sorry." He sobbed breathlessly.

Mello had dreamed of telling that boy that he loved him. Dreamed night after night since they were kids. Dreamed about kissing his soft lips, running his fingers through his hair, owning him, kissing him, claiming him. He didn't know anything else he wanted so bad. He wanted him so bad that it hurt. He had fucked up. Fucked up bad. He hadn't told him because it wasn't safe. People like him didn't get the happy ending. The one they loved. And now, he had made Matt love him back.

He squeezed his eyes tighter and dug his nails into his palm. His other hand was still up to his mouth as he held onto any strand of reality he could. He couldn't break down. Not now.

It wasn't safe. Matt wasn't safe. It wasn't as if Matt couldn't live on his own. He could. It was that Mello wasn't sure he could live without the brunette. He couldn't, no, _wouldn't _let Matt know that. No matter how much it hurt him. He had to protect him. If nothing else, he had to protect.

"I'm so sorry…" he breathed. His eyes continually to shed silent tears. Tormented by everything that was himself. He screamed again into his palm and bit his quivering lip so hard he bled.

"No no no no no no…." he shook his head. His heart ached and he was crying so hard he could barely breath. Soundless screams and sobs left the blondes lips causing him to clutch his side painfully.

Mello turned back to look at the sleeping man, curled up in the blankets, furrowed eyebrows, and mumbling in his sleep.

You know how when people think they're going to die, their life flashes in front of their eyes? That's what it was kind of like. He saw every moment of his and Matt's life together. When they were kids, running around at Whammy's. Fighting about stupid things. Reconciling by buying each other chocolate, or a new video game. When they laughed so hard their sides hurt. Seeing Matt's hair in the sunlight, him smiling that goofy at him. That smile that made Mello's heart clench and soften at the same time. The one that showed all his teeth. The way he looked at Mello when he got him his new game consol. The way he looked at Mello when he _broke_ that new game consol. The day he made up for it. The time Matt had spent all day looking for German chocolate for Mello's birthday. The cute frown he wore when he burnt thanksgiving dinner. All the times he told Mello to be careful, that if 'he wanted to live he wouldn't die on him or else he's go to hell and bring him back just so he could kill him himself'. Didn't make too much sense, but it showed Mello he cared. The temper tantrums the brunette always tolerated. The time they watched the sunset from the roof. The colors danced across the sky. But even that had nothing against Matt's true beauty. He was angel. Perfect. Those eyes he hid behind those orange tinted goggles made Mello melt. They were just so….Matt. He smiled softly. Sure they fought all the time. He would bend him so far he would break but he was always right here waiting when it blew over.

He thought about dozens of other times the two had spent together. The way he made him feel. He felt the walls around start to fall away around him. He felt the glass he was made of shatter into a million pieces. God damn it. Mihael Keehl did _not_ cry. But here he was. Sobbing. No, sobbing wouldn't give dignity to the pain and how hard he had hit the bottom. He didn't want to hurt him anymore. He wanted to see the boy smile. He wanted him to be _happy. _Not, fine. Not okay. _Happy._

That's when he decided. He had to do it. He had to do it before he changed his mind. He stood up and walked to his room. Only whispering slightly before shutting the door to his room.

"I fucking love you Mail…" he said voice cracking. It wasn't the voice of a mob boss. It wasn't the voice of a rebellious man. No. It was the voice of a broken hearted Mello. A Mello that was about to break himself, more than he had ever broke Matt.


	2. Chapter 2

Matt woke up to sour stomach and a splitting headache. He groaned rolling over on the couch and tried to will one of his eyes to open. In doing so, he completely regretted it. He squeezed his eyes shut and brought a hand up to his head. The light was too bright and it made his head throb.

"Mello…" he groaned.

He had never had such a bad hangover in his entire life. Actually he had _never_ had a hangover. But he wasn't stupid. He knew the symptoms. He sighed becoming irritated but immediately froze remembering last night.

"Oh god, no…." he winced. His stomach lurched forward unexpectedly and almost caused him to vomit.

"God dammit Mello come help me!" he yelled. But he got no reply. Irritated he got up off the couch and walked to the room.

"What the he-" He swung the door open but immediately froze. He blinked a couple times. His head felt light and he began to get a familiar tingling feeling all over. The one you get when your lacking oxygen.

Oh right. Breath.

He sucked in a long breath and almost choked.

Mello wasn't sleeping. Mello wasn't getting dressed. His room was empty. Void from personal items and the bed was actually made. Not blankets thrown on there to make it _look_ made. It was _purposefully _made.

_Mello doesn't make his bed…the slob can't even pick up his garbage…or flush. _

He felt a panic start to rise in his chest. He ran to the bathroom shoving the door open with a 'thud'. The bathroom was empty. "Mello…" he whispered

No Mello. He ran to the closet and none of Mello's clothes were in sight. Just empty hangers and his own stripes. He backed up slowly shaking his head.

"No no no no no. This can't be happening. This isn't real. Theres no way. " his voice cracked. He felt his eyes start to water. This room now felt too empty. Alone. Eerie. He didn't like it. He felt a sick feeling starting to settle in the bottom of his stomach. He ran out of the bedroom to the kitchen.

"Mello? Mello! Mello god dammit answer me!" he screamed around to the apartment. Panicking and looking for any sign of the blonde. He knew though, in the bottom of his stomach he knew. He screamed and got no answer. His fear was now bubbling up out of its confined home.

He was pissed and angry and hurt. And confused.

_Theres no way Mello would just abandon me. No way. He would tell me. Right? Oh god… What if he heard me last night…Is that why he's leaving? My feelings scared him away? Was it just too weird for him?_

He threw open the cabinet by the sink and his heart sunk into his stomach. He choked back a sob and clutched his side, letting himself collapse to the floor. There was only one way to know if Mello had really left him.

Mello's chocolate cabinet.

There was nothing there. Just an empty cabinet. In an empty apartment. With an empty twenty year old gamer.

He sat on the floor staring at the cabinet.

_No. This isn't real. I'm dreaming. I have to be. _

"Mello?" he yelled out tears falling from his eyes.

"Mello please!" he screamed. No one answered him.

"I'm sorry please… I won't ever drink again and I promise! I won't say that stuff anymore. Please don't leave me…please?" his voice was shaking and desperate.

He thought that maybe…maybe if he screamed he could hear him.

He didn't know how long he had sat on that floor, clutching his side and screaming. It wasn't fair…It just wasn't fair. What had he done? Would Mello really abandon hi over something like that? If you've ever felt your stomach being twisted and heart pulled out of your body while your lungs forget to breath, and all the while everything you've ever loved is being taken from you, then you know how he felt. His sobs became hiccups and his screams silent. He felt like a goldfish that had gone into shock after being put in different temperature water without being able to adjust. Because _he_ hadn't been able to adjust. He had already dismissed that the mafia had something to do with this. If they had then Mello would left something for him, told him something. He just left him.

Matt curled up into a ball an internally cringed remembering when Mello had wiped his tears away. When he slowly and lightly snaked a hand around his waist to carry him to bed... He subconsciously moved his arm to his waste. It was pathetic that he thought he could still feel it. But he felt like he could still feel everything. That everything Mello had ever said, done, touched, now echoed around him.

Why had he left? That was the question wasn't it? But no, that's not what he was thinking. What he was thinking was when? Had he said goodbye to me or left without a second glance? I wonder if he liked the Irish chocolate I gave him last Christmas. Did he really men it when he said we were best friends? I don't know what his favorite color is…

He rapped his arms tighter around his legs and clamped his eyes shut, letting himself cry again.

_No goddamnit no! your smarter than this. Think. _

His eyes snapped to the living room as realization hit him and he immediately got up and ran to his laptop. He pushed everything off the table and set down his laptop. He plugged in a USB opening files. Mello's cell phone…

He opened files and looked up Mello's last phone calls. Maybe he could trace it. He typed in the number and hacked into the phone company data base. He then ran a tracer on the phone itself. He had installed one a while ago when Mello had been in some deep shit with the mafia. He opened, closed, re-opened, reset, and tried everything he could think of.

He sighed frustrated. He couldn't find it.

"Dammit!" he yelled flipping the laptop off the table.

This is what he fucking did for a living? Couldn't he depend on himself for anything? It had been a long shot that his cell phone would have turned up anyway…

His cell phone was gone. Probably destroyed in a nearby trash can in front of some building. Of course he expected that but it didn't make it any less frustrating. Mello knew would try to track him. Knew he would try to find him. He left everything that could be traced. Meaning he left on purpose. First his bed, then his chocolate, and his phone… He wasn't planning on coming back.

He put his head in his hands trying to calm himself. The adrenaline was making his body shake.

"Mels please….please don't leave me…" He whispered. The agonizing pain his chest was not getting any better. If he had not known better he would have thought he was having a heart attack. He looked toward the window over the fire escape. The sun was out and the place had the feeling of afternoon. Already? Traffic was buzzing and horns honked from impatient drivers.

Everything was so normal. Yet he felt so distant from it. Separated. He sat alone, in a crappy apartment, on a patched, broken, ugly green couch. There were burn holes from his cigarettes and tears and rip's from 'unknown' sources. Cigarettes. Oh god he could use a cigarette.

His body felt like a zombie. He had probably spent hours on the floor. Hours… Time didn't seem relevant anymore. He stood up and sluggishly brought himself to the kitchen. He stood for a moment staring at the floor eyebrows furrowed. The chair was still knocked over from last night, but the glass had been picked up. He reached to the table with shaking hands and picked up his pack withdrawing a cigarette. He pulled a lighter out of his pocket and lit it. His eyes flitted closed as he took a deep drag that was much appreciated. He'd never needed the smoke more in his entire life.

Normally he wouldn't smoke in the apartment. Mello always said he hated the smell. Looking back it was always something he had hated. The way Mello bitched about it. Out of everything it one of the things he missed the most right now. So he stood in the kitchen. Eyes still red and puffy, streaks of dried tears down his face, and new ones making their own paths. Mello was gone. Leaving him without a warning and he was thinking about Mello's bitching. I guess that's irony for you…

Why did it feel like he had been gone forever?

"Mels….." he whispered looking up to the roof. He now didn't like the roof. Or this floor. Or this apartment. It wasn't his anymore. It had never been his. It had always been _theirs. _

He found it surprising that he'd never thought about ever not being with Mello. They had best friends since they were kids, and ever since then, they've always been together. Well, aside from when they first left Whammy's house. Mello left first, joined the mafia, got a good name for himself. Matt left a little while after. He didn't get in that stuff. He just hacked some corporations, laundered some money, got his own apartment. It had only taken him a week to find Mello. It had taken him a better part of three months to get Mello to find him. He knew it was better for Mello to find him. So he purposely left subtle hints that he'd hacked into their system. He needed to get their attention. It wasn't hard, their hacker had nothing on him. He left a ghost trail during one of the more thorough checks. Every three months. He knew it'd be enough. After that it took another three weeks for Mello to show up.

_When he first got the knocking on the door, he thought it was his cat lady neighbor. She'd been knocking all morning._

"_Jesus okay!" he yelled. He paused his game and got up. He heard his back pop as he stretched and ran a hand through his hair to make it a little less messy._

"_Look, I haven't seen your cat today." He said opening the door but immediately froze. His breath somehow found the will to leave his body and he stood there a shocked expression gripping the door handle so hard his knuckles were white. His heart was beating out of his chest as he looked over that angelic face before him. He already knew he loved Mello. He'd known since they were kids. He just didn't realize how bad he missed him. He shouldn't have been that surprised really. He knew Mello was going to show up sooner or later, but the warning did almost nothing for his surprise._

"_M-Mels?" he asked dumbly. _

_The blonde smiled nervously. That smile made his body tingle. He stood in leather pants, one hand leaning on the door frame, the other in his pocket. His blonde hair was longer, he had let it grow out a bit. _

"_Who else could it be?" he asked sweetly. Even in the words he could tell he was nervous. And it brought a smile to his lips. Big bad mafia boss and he was the one making him nervous. Once he got the shock under control his smile fell and tears came to his eyes. _

"_You never even told me you were going to leave." Matt said in shaky breaths. Matt watched as Mello creased his eyebrows and looked down in shame. He watched as he scuffed his boot on the ground. _

"_I…I know." He replied with equally shaky breaths. _

"_You know? No No you don't know!" Matt yelled. He didn't mean to start yelling about him leaving Whammy's. He hadn't mean for his first reaction to be anger. He didn't know what had come over him. He had just felt so angry for Mello leaving him like that._

"_I-I didn't know where to even begi-" He started but his breath left his lungs as he felt arms wrap around his body. It was as if Mello had never hugged before. It was desperate and needy and it made Matt's heart want to burst. Warm breath ticked his neck and he stood there stunned for awhile before he returned it wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Just as needy. He had never felt so whole in his entire life, then when he did that moment. When they had finally pulled away both of their eyes were red, and spoke of a soft tragedy. Of two best friends. His eyes spoke of anger, and triumph and hard times, but most of all Mello. He was still Mello. And he still loved him. More than the sun itself. It was emotionally draining to say the least. Even so, Matt grabbed Mellos hand and pulled him into the apartment. He showed him the bedroom, livingroom, kitchen, etc. He was a little embarrassed at the condition of the place, but Mello didn't seem to notice or even care. Half the time he wasn't even looking at the apartment. He was looking at Matt. Some look with amazement, shock, gratitude maybe, and some other thing Matt could never quite figure out. _

_That night they sat up all night together. They talked about how it had been for the two of them these past years. They talked about how Mello left, what happened when he did, how he got into the mafia, etc. He told him things that had happened and they laughed at old memories. _

"_So, you haven't seen my cat?" Mello asked teasingly. Matt laughed and looked away sheepishly. It was still really weird to be around Mello again. It made him nervous. Every time Mello would look at him, it gave him chills. It raised his body temperature and he felt his heart start to beat really fast. _

"_Oh…" Matt chuckled, "My cat lady neighbor has been bothering me all day. She keeps going on about her kitten. She's convinced I stole her cat and that I'm not giving it back." He laughed._

"_She's kinds crazy" he added scratching the back of his head. _

_Mello didn't say anything. He just watched Matt talk. Watched Matt being alive, and beautiful._

_Matt looked over to Mello and raised an eyebrow. "What? What are you staring at?" he asked. _

_Mello smiled. A real smile. "Nothing, nothing." He said shaking his head and looking away, blushing slightly. _

_Matt just shrugged and smiled at him picking up his game boy. The rest of the evening was Matt and Mello on his bed. Matt lay on his stomach playing video games and Mello sat criss-crossed eating a bar of chocolate. Every so often one of them would steal a glance at the other. Once they finally both fell asleep it had been early morning. _

_It wasn't long after that Mello spent every day there. It was even shorter when he asked Matt to move in with him. It was another small crappy apartment, but he didn't care at all. He had said yes automatically and moved in the next day. He walked in and his jaw had dropped. In front of him lay multiple computer's, new gaming systems, an abundant of games, and several other technology systems. He remembered the day like yesterday. _

_He turned around jaw dropped to see Mello smirking pleased. He had a twinkle in his eye and you could tell he was extremely pleased with the reaction he got out of Matt. _

"_Th-This is for me?" he asked. Mello shrugged and Matt nearly tackled him. _

"_Thank you thank you thank you!" he said kissing Mellos cheeks hundreds of times. _

"_Alright, Alright" he said pushing Matt off him. "You're welcome..." he muttered blushing slightly._

_Matt would sit and play for hours with Mello next to him. It was the life. But after awhile he felt like he needed to do something more. It took him a better part of two months to convince Mello that he wanted to help him. He told him he could be their hacker. He was good at it. He could probably double their profits because it would now be safe to move larger amounts of money. Mello had refused. He had said it was too dangerous and that he didn't want him to be involved. Matt had replied saying that he didn't want to feel useless. He wanted to do something for him. He had been hesitant but finally agreed. _

_With that, he had gotten Matt some fake I.d's, multiple fake passports, etc. And his job had started. He was actually wrong about the results though, because within the first week, he had tripled their income. He had found multiple leaks, and informed Mello. Before they knew it, Mello and his genius 'unknown' hacker friend had climbed ranks at a phenomenal speed. Well Mello had. Matt wasn't exactly 'part' of the mafia. Mello's fault. He had let him help but he wouldn't let him get too far deep in it. No one else had seen or even met Matt. They only knew him as Mello's guy. And really, Matt was fine with that. _

So that's how it happened. How him and Mello had begun their life together. It was great at first. Like heaven. Being able to see Mello every day… What more could he ask. But after awhile it began to get harder. Every time they'd sit together it'd make him hot. Every time he said his name his heart would skip a beat. Every time he saw Mello half lidded, sleepy, and just barely not sleeping it awakened some kind of need in him. He was too beautiful, too perfect.Not to mention all the cold showers he had to take when Mello would walk around in just his boxers and rub Matt's shoulders asking, 'why so tense Matty?'.

It gave him chills _now,_ to think about it. He had imagined telling Mello his feeling but had quickly dismissed it. He had a good thing now, why ruin it. He knew he was Mello's best friend. They were closer than Mello had been with anybody. And he was grateful for that.

Last night had been just a little harder for him than most days. He wanted to help Mello more than just taking care of him when he was sick. He wanted to hold him. Kiss him. Touch him. But it was not allowed. Whenever Matt got a little too close Mello always seemed to get super uncomfortable. Something in him would change, even the way he looked at Matt was different. There was something behind those beautiful eyes he just couldn't figure out. And the Mello would move away, almost panicking.

That's how he could tell. Mello felt him a good friend. That was all. He didn't ever get intimate with him. They may be close, but it was always Mello that made a move when it was a little _too_ close. So he kept his feeling to himself. Bottled them up even. He had been so stupid. He never should have drank.

Matt looked toward the clock. He had woken up at sometime around eleven and spent nearly five hours crying to himself. It was now about four thirty. He should really shower. He smelt like booze and his hair was oily. He didn't want to move though. He didn't want to do anything. He just wanted to curl up in a corner and die. He hated being away from Mello. He wasn't whole without him. He wished he could just die. But he wouldn't. Because if he did he would risk hurting Mello because of it. And he wouldn't do that.

_I'm pathetic. It's obvious that he doesn't want me or else he would have stayed. He wouldn't care if I left forever. If I died. _

He squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself not to think about that. It just made it worse. Made the pain worse.

He grabbed his pack and lit another cigarette on his way to the bathroom. He started to the hot water and turned the shower on. He looked over to the mirror and winced. He looked like shit to be blunt. His usually lively red hair was now a mess and flat, His face was red, there were bags under his eyes, which were red and puffy from crying. There were tear tracks down his face. He couldn't think of a time he'd ever cried so much. He didn't bother to put out his cigarette as he stepped into the shower, with all his clothes still on. It wasn't to be epic. It was just that he really didn't have the energy to pull off his clothes.

He had to put his hands up against the wall to hold himself up threw his exhaustion. He let the water wash over his back as he blew out the last of his cigarette. From there he turned around, face stoic and washed his air and his face. He let out an appreciative whimper. It really did feel good. Once he thought he could, he slowly started to strip. He unbuttoned his shirt slowly and slid it off his shoulders. Letting it fall with into the shower with a thud. Then he took his time to get his pants unbuttoned. His pants and boxers fell down in one, and he threw the wet clothes somewhere on the bathroom floor. He'd pick them up later… Not like there was anyone left to care…

He stood in the shower as hot as it would go, until it started to turn cold. Which was a long time because Mel had bought his own extra water heater so we could take showers one after another. Then, as if a switch had been turned, the water turned cold fast and ran smoothly over his hot body. It gave him shivers and he quickly turned it off.

He stepped out and groggily walked back over to the mirror. He frowned at the reflection and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked better than he did earlier. Not nearly as puffy and red, but not great either. He sighed loudly and then clutched his stomach. Oh shit…

He stumbled over to the toilet throwing open the lid and vomiting quite un-elegantly. He still had a hangover. He threw up quite a few times before he wiped his mouth and flushed. He stood up on shaky legs and walked over to the medicine cabinet. He opened it and another pang of pain went through his heart. Mello's stuff… wasn't there. It made it look a lot more empty. He always hated Mello's habit of just throwing things in there. Right now, he'd give up anything to see that…

He gulped loudly to keep back the forming tears and tried to push it out of his mind. He grabbed the bottle and down about three times the recommended dosage. He had a really bad headache. He went out to the bedroom and shuffled through his drawers to find himself a pair of Mario boxers. Once he pulled them on, he looked over to the bed and stiffened. Mello's…

_Damn these emotions…_

He slowly crawled into bed and cuddled into Mello's blankets. There had been many times the both of them had fallen asleep here. They always smelled of chocolate, musk, and vodka. Just like Mello. He clutched onto his pillow and sobbed silently. There was nothing to be said now. He had begged the darkness and Mello had not come. He wasn't stupid. He knew he couldn't have heard him. But even that rejection was hard to take. He let the scent of Mello lull him to sleep.

He didn't know what he was going to do In the morning. Nor did he really care. All he cared about was holding onto the last thing of Mello he had. After it was gone….well, he didn't want to think about that. He'd figure something out. He always did right? Why was it he wasn't so sure anymore?


	3. Chapter 3

Moon shone bright on his face through the blinds in the small apartment room. He had a bag packed and opened on his bed. He stared at the wall, searching for the courage to walk out the door. To let go of his only reason for living.

_I have to do this…. _He reminded himself. It didn't do much solace. He kept his features neutral. He had to be strong. He had to do this. He had to…

He zipped his bag, tugging on the zipper once or twice to get the thing fully closed. He took everything. Paper's, books, clothes, pictures, toothbrush, everything. Like setting fire to his past, erasing him from Matt. That's why he was doing this. To save Matt.

He picked up his bag and slowly pushed opened the door. It made a small creak and he winced, pausing slightly to see if he had woken the drunken boy up. After a moment no noise came about so he walked through and set his bag by the door. He walked to the kitchen purposely not glancing over. He wasn't sure if it would make a difference, but he couldn't take the chance.

He smiled sadly at the table. Matt's cigarette packed lay discarded on the table. The almost full bottle of alcohol stood still open. His paper and pen strewn about. He couldn't help but touch the pack of vile cancer sticks. No matter how much he hated those things, they were just so Matt.

One of the things he regretted most, teasing him about them all the time. Bitching about him smoking in the house. He wished he would have let him. Told him he could smoke whenever he wanted. That he could have done anything he ever wanted.

He turned away from the table and pulled his cabinet open. He grabbed his stash of chocolate and stuffed it into his jacket pockets. He closed it slowly and sighed. That had to be one of the most difficult things he'd ever done. He walked out of the kitchen silently and walked to the front door.

Hand on the front door and he froze. He felt like he was being weighed down. Poor Matt. His heart suddenly began to feel extremely heavy. Was he going to hate him? It's going to break his heart isn't it?

No. He couldn't let himself think like that. He would mourn but he would get over it. He'd move on and he'd be happy. He'd find someone who isn't selfish enough to put him in danger. He hoped he would hate him… Hating is always easier than love.

He couldn't help himself, he had to get at least one last look of the boy. It would be the last time anyway… He turned around and his breath caught in his throat.

Matt lay with one hand on his belly and the blanket had fallen to his waist. His pants hung low, and his shirt was ever so innocently riding up. His eyes welled up with tears as he imagined how the boy would feel when he woke up, and found that Mello had abandoned him. He was already going to have one hell of a hangover.

He drew himself closer to the boy and dropped to his knees. The soft city lights casted through the window and danced along Matt's brilliant features. The gamer's mouth was open slightly and his rest cheeks still had visible tear tracks. Look at what he had put him through already.

He brushed some hair from Matt's face and chocked back a sob.

"Matty?" he said quietly knowing he couldn't hear him. He shouldn't be talking. It wasn't safe. What if he woke up? That wasn't fair to him.

"Please…." He pleaded letting a few tears escape before he bit his lip.

"If…if you wake up now I won't be able to leave. Please Matty…I want to stay." He cried. He balled one fist in Matt's blanket and stroked his face with the other. He studied his features hard. His eyes scanned every part of him. Trying to burn him into his memory.

"Just wake up…." He breathed. He wouldn't have been able to leave if Matt had been awake. He almost couldn't do it now. The image of Matt crying at the kitchen table, and swearing he would suffer through it was the only thing dragging him out of the house.

"I fucking love you Mail. I love you so god damn much…" he whispered. His stomach fluttered and the pain in his heart was unbearable. He screamed covering his mouth to muffle the sound. He cried until his head ached and his sobs turned to hiccups. His body shook and he dared a look at the perfect angelic face. He heart cringed for him. Mourned for him. _Yearned_ for him.

_So this is what they meant huh? To have your heart broken…_

He stood, wiping the tears from his face and sighing deeply. There was no more room for emotion. Or theatrics.

Maybe he should have kissed him last night. Hugged him… Held him… something. Now he was going to leave without the first kiss of the one person he had ever loved. And still loved. A pain tore through his heart and he clenched his teeth.

_No Goddammit…don't do this. He loves you! You fucking love him! You could be happy. You could make him happy._

He ignored his thoughts. The ones that screamed for him to stay. To wake him up and tell him that he loved him. But he couldn't… he just couldn't. People like him didn't get happy endings. And Matt deserved better.

He reluctantly tore his eyes away from the young man and walked to the door. Again gripping the door knob he stalled. He couldn't leave it like this. Something was missing.

He retreated to the kitchen for a moment and grabbed the pen and paper from which Matt previously held. The ones that were supposed to have held all of Matt's feelings. He didn't sit down at the table. It just didn't feel right. So he went back to the living room and sat on the floor next to Matt. He leaned up against the couch and opened the pen, putting the little plastic lid on the back. And he wrote. He sat there forever it seemed, and just wrote. Afterwards he read every word. They didn't do justice for the way he felt about him but it would have to do. Then he folded it. He set the pen back on the table and pulled out another sheet of paper to replace the one he had taken. He didn't want anything to look like it was wrong.

He moved to his bag and grabbed a small journal he had dropped in while swiftly packing. It was a little black book, with thin white pages that had a gold tracing the edges. He had never used it. He had bought it awhile back in a rouge thrift shop.

It was definitely ancient. From the text on the front he had figured it was German. It was going to be a present for Matt. He'd just been trying to find the right time to give it to him. Right now was probably the best of time as any. He walked over to his dresser drawer, which had been emptied, and opened the false bottom. He slipped it in and closed it quietly.

He knew Matt would find it. He would probably search the place bottom to top in the morning. Another ping in the heart. He walked out of the room on wobbly legs. He picked up his bag walked back over to where the gamer slept peacefully. He leaned down and kissed his rosy cheeks.

The kiss said more than anything words could. It held apology, and confession, and regret, and heartache. Most of all love. Fuck the clichés for all he cared. He loved the slimy fuck.

One more look and he exited the small apartment. There was no more turning back now. No more looks, smiles, laughs, cries, video games, cigarettes, or Matt. He died that day. He was no longer Mels, or Mello.

He climbed on his motorcycle and kicked start it. It was early morning and Matt probably wouldn't be awake for another couple of hours. He gassed it out of the building, suddenly wanting to get as far away from that place as he could. The wind flew smoothly over his jacket and helmet. He grabbed his phone out of his pocket and threw it up in the air. He didn't look back, but he heard it as it smashed into a million pieces. He had taken nothing that Matt could use to get to him. He had told himself that if this was what he was going to do he was going to do it right.

He already had another apartment waiting for him. Along with a new cell phone. He stopped only twice, one for the bathroom and one for gas. And never long enough to let his mind wander.

It took him two hours to get to the airport. He pulled out a new fake passport, and left his old bike. Once he landed he would start a new life. One that painfully was without Matt.

He walked through the metal detectors silently. Any by stander would see nothing wrong with him. Well emotionally at least. He always did get strange looks for his appearance. He showed pain different than anyone. The only one who could truly understand this was Matt.

Every step was like a knife to the chest. The farther he got away from Matt the closer he was to a new life. A life without him.

Ironic isn't it? He sat on a plane and gapped out the small hole window. It wasn't until the sunrise that everything had really sunk in. The best memory of his life, standing on a roof with his love, the memory of that breath taking view, standing with him… The two most beautiful things in the world. Matt and the sunset. That sunset, and this sunrise. The best and worst moments of his life. And they would soon both slip away from him.

_I don't even know who I am anymore… _

Because it was true. He couldn't live without Matt. It wasn't like this was living anyway. He was dead inside. Hollow and emotionless. This is what he had chosen. There was a lump in his throat and he tried desperately to swallow it down. There was nothing he could do now. It was over.

Soon Matt would wake up and realize he was gone. He would question it and probably shed a tear or two. He let a little regret settle in his stomach. It was too late now…


	4. Chapter 4

"Sir? What do you want us to do with him?" the man asked.

Mello sat with one arm on the back of the couch, both feet on a coffee table. He looked towards the ceiling and thought for a moment.

"Throw him out. We don't need him anymore." He said dismissing the man. God, he hated his job. Being a big mafia boss isn't what it's all cracked up to be. It had been six weeks since he'd relocated and now all his new "dogs", were busting his chops about all the un-important shit. At least his others had been trained.

He got up stretching and walked out the back of the large warehouse they owned. One of many. Three large men stood outside of each door. They stepped aside, letting him walk out. He needed to get out. He was feeling like his skin was crawling.

He pulled out a cigarette from the pack in his pocket and brought it to his lips. A nasty habit he had recently picked up. He pulled out a match, lighting his cigarette, before shaking the match and letting it fall to the dirt. It calmed him to smoke. He stood quiet for a while before he looked to the sky. He glanced at the sunset only for a moment before he finished his cigarette and flicked it behind him.

He walked to his bike after informing his men he was going home, and shoved on his helmet. He kicked started it and spun out the tires as he left a trail of dirt behind him. He didn't like this bike as much as his old one. It wasn't a bad bike, it just didn't feel right. Nothing felt right.

He worked his way up and down streets, going way over the legal limit. He reached his house in 23 minutes flat. New record.

He locked his bike up in his garage and made his way up to his apartment. He had to climb two flights of stairs to get to his room. He opened the door to his small pad and frowned. Something definitely wasn't right. He hadn't left the door open… and… Why did he smell…cheesecake?

He reached his hand behind his back to unclip his glock from his holster. He held it low and tip toed into his apartment, closing and locking the door behind him. If there was anyone in here he sure as hell didn't want them getting out before he caught them. He reached beside the door and flipped on the light. No one. He walked cautiously to the kitchen.

He heard the noise of something metal and he froze. He kept his breathing steady as he stepped past the wall that was blocking him from his intruder. He turned the corner quick finger on the trigger and froze.

A pair of un-amused and un-phased panda eyes stared back at him. They stood a moment in silence, Mello's hand still on the trigger confused, before the raven haired man looked back down to his plate and began gnawing on his cake.

"This cake is quite extraordinary. Care to try it?" L asked holding out his fork.

Mello grimaced and lowered his gun. "No, I'm fine." Mello answered.

L shrugged and turned back to his cake gesturing for Mello to sit down.

Mello cautiously did what he was told. "L, what the hell are you doing at my house?" Mello asked annoyed. He really didn't have time for this shit. Don't get me wrong. He looked up to him, maybe even idolized him, but couldn't he have called or something first? No, that wouldn't be L. He didn't think L would want his help on anything. He wasn't aware L was working on any major cases.

Well, everything for L was major cases. But anything major major, that L would need Mello's help for. So that left only one possibility.

"Does Mello understand what I am here for?" L asked emotionless interrupting Mello from his thoughts.

"I don't know why you'd bother with this. I left because I felt like it. End of story." Mello replied folding his arms. He tried to keep himself expressionless as possible.

L stared at Mello for a long time. "Hmm." Is all L said before turning back to finish the last bites of his cake.

_Where the fuck did he get cake from?_

"I believe Mello left because he was afraid." L said not skipping a beat.

Mello's eyebrows reached his hairline.

_What? He couldn't possibly know that._

Mello stuck his chin out and scoffed. "Afraid? Hell no." he said.

"I see…" L said quietly. Mello froze. L never showed any emotion. Was that…disappointment? He felt heart sink into his stomach. He didn't care he was an adult now, he hated to disappoint L. But he couldn't tell him the truth. Not about why he really left.

"The day after you left, Matt contacted me. " L said expression again blank. His big owl eyes just stared at Mello. He was studying him like a science project. Probably trying to figure out what Mello was feeling.

Mello felt a pang go through his heart. Matt? Matt! God… he hadn't heard that name is so long.

Mello looked down at feet, not trusting himself to catch the detective's eyes.

"He was very upset."

"And that's his problem." Mello said lifting his head back up the detective.

"It does not bother you?" L asked cocking his head slightly to one side. He sat in his normal position, feet both on the chair crouching, one hand on his knee.

"Why should it?" Mello answered without hesitation.

"I just assumed you two were close." He replied.

"Well you thought wrong." Mello said coolly.

"Matt seemed very fond of you." L said licking the remnants of the cake off his fork.

"Yeah well, too bad for him."

L stared at Mello for a long time. Scrutinizing, analyzing, studying. Mello sat stone faced, letting only a little irritation show.

After a few minutes L rose, putting both hands in his pockets and standing in his normal hunched over position.

"Very well." L replied.

"What? Why are you leaving?" Mello asked.

"If it is the case, that you felt you wanted to leave, and nothing is wrong. I am done here." They stared at each other for a moment before he left Mello and exited the apartment. Mello only heard a soft click as the door closed.

He choked back his emotions as long as he could until he collapsed on the table letting silent screams and shaking take him. His nails dug into the glass and his tears flowed from his face freely.

He glanced through the window and watched the last bit of the sunset as it came out of view.

"Matt…." He sobbed.

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><p>Matt woke up but didn't immediately open his eyes.<p>

_Ugh! _

He rubbed his head and sat up slowly. God, he didn't feel good.

He turned toward his dresser at the time and groaned. Four thirty?. He scanned the room frowning until his eyes landed on a small discarded wrapper.

_Hey! One piece of chocolate left!_

He had recently eaten the vile thing called a chocolate bar and found it surprisingly not bad. His favorite was the dark chocolate. He sucked on the last piece, letting it melt into his mouth before he began to really feel his head pound.

_Oh great…_

He got up on wobbly legs and walked to the kitchen. He fumbled through the cabinets before he found the cold medicine and nearly downed the whole bottle. He put the bottle back in the cabinet before he suddenly froze. He slowly pulled his hand down but didn't turn around to face him. Instead he gripped the counter to keep himself up.

"You found him?" Matt asked quietly.

"I did." The man stated plainly.

"And…?" he egged on.

"And Mello left of his own free will. He irrationally implied that your being upset is entirely your fault." He said.

Matt's heart sank and his breathing hitched. He'd been afraid of that. Actually afraid wouldn't even justify it. He had stayed up nights, _terrified _that was the case. He let out a long shaky.

"I do believe he is lying." L said.

Matt paused and then smiled slightly. Sometimes he thinks that the detective pauses like that for effect. He wiped off his grin and turned back to the detective, stone faced. Something he'd perfected since he was a child. Mostly because he never really gave a shit.

L turned his head slightly obviously amused.

They sat in silence for a minute before Matt cleared his throat.

"Does Matt have something he would like to say?" L asked plainly. Anyone else would think L was sarcastic. But Matt knew him. He just didn't put emotion into his words.

"Why do you think that?" Matt asked quietly. L looked him over for a moment before he sat down in his signature pose at the kitchen table. Matt followed and sat across from him.

"I think there is an eighty-seven percent chance Mello is in love with you." L said. "It would be eighty-eight, but Mello and I have not contacted each other in a significant amount of time." He added.

Matt couldn't help himself but to gap open mouthed at the detective across him. His wide eyes were still slightly visible in his orange tinted goggles.

"W-what?" Matt breathed.

L didn't seem amused or phased at all.

"I am surprised that with your I.Q you didn't realize this much sooner." L stated unwrapping a chocolate muffin.

Matt closed his mouth and sat back a bit. Any other time he might have been a little pissed that L was insulting his intelligence. He and L's I.Q weren't that far off. He would have been L's successor, had he not refused the title.

Right know he couldn't care to shit's about what he had just implied. All he cared about was why his heart was beating in his chest and suddenly felt like screaming. L and Mello were the only people he almost never hid his emotions too. If he wanted to he could probably be more unresponsive than L. But with a little better style. And _a lot_ more video games.

"You too are very much alike." L said biting into the chocolate. "A lot more than you realize." He added.

Matt smiled slightly and nodded his head.

"Thank you L." Matt said softly. L stopped chewing for a second to give a small nod. Didn't seem like much but for L that's probably the most you were going to get from him.

L stood, continually to chew from the muffin with one hand, while he stuffed the other in his pocket. Matt frowned and L walked out of the kitchen and towards the front door.

"Where are you going?" Matt asked standing up.

L paused and turned around to face Matt, his big panda eyes scanning over him. "I am done." L stated as if he should know, before he turned around and stepped out of the apartment.

Matt stood for a moment blinking before his mouth turned into a grin and then into one of the goofiest smiles ever. He couldn't help it. He found himself giggling a little before he started laughing uncontrollably and almost bouncing with glee.

He stopped and gazed outside as the sunrise was barely coming into view. "Mello…" he whispered.

* * *

><p><strong>Very happy with how this chapter turned out. Did you guys see the similarities and opposites? Did you? Did you? Ahh. Anyway, review please!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

Matt didn't look for Mello. He knew if he did, he'd find him. And then what? He couldn't just call him up and say "found you!". No. It didn't work that way. Mello would give him some bullshit excuse that he never cared about him. But Matt didn't believe that. He may not look at L the way Mello does, but he knows he's never wrong. Eighty-seven percent chance. Eighty seven…

Maybe it was obvious Mello felt strongly about him. He didn't know. It's just always harder to tell when you're emotionally involved. That's why he'd called L. Everyone knew he was only emotionally attached to two things. Whammy, and Light. He had gotten to meet Light once. Him and his perfect hair. He smelled of vanilla lotion and washed his hair every day, a complete contrast of L.

Just the way it was between Matt and Mello. Matt was emotionally secretive. Kept to himself, pale as snow, enjoyed video games and cigarettes. Mello on the other hand was the opposite. Emotionally compromised. Huge temper, delicious caramel tan, and loved shooting things and eating chocolate. Yet, they were such a great team. Or so he thought…

The point was that, now that he knew, he wasn't going to let go. No matter how long it'd take him. He was going to get Mello back. He had to. He had no choice. There was nothing else he _could_ do.

Matt walked in the apartment and took off his coat. He adjusted his goggles and set down the supplies he'd gotten that day, on the kitchen table. There was only one way to get Mello out here. He had to die. Metaphorically of course.

He took out the torch and lined it up with the other dozen or so items he had picked up. Crowbar, pocket knives, gasoline, sulfate, ammonia, leather jacket, some mafia thugs blood (people will do practically anything for money), and a few other supplies. The only thing he wasn't going to burn would be a few shirts and his laptop. Everything else could go.

He walked into the bedroom and over to the side table. He opened the drawer and withdrew the small journal. It was leather, and black, and German like Mello. He smiled and turned it over, admiring the craftsmanship. He hadn't been sure at first what it had meant… but now he did. Mello loved him.

He left this here because he did.

He opened the small book and panned through the pages. Flipping it over again he frowned. The texture in the back was different… He opened it and turned to the back cover. He traced along the edges until he felt it give a little.

His heart started racing as he pulled back and ripped the leather. It made a faint rip sound that echoed through the apartment.

_A false back? _

With shaky fingers he withdrew a small piece of paper. It was folded up neatly and had 'Mail' on the top. He stared at the paper for a long time. He examined the small white piece of paper folding it in his fingers.

_He…left me a note? _

He glanced out the window for a moment before he decided he had to.

He d_r_opped the journal and ran to the door. He threw it open, grabbing his jacket and took the stairs up to the roof. He threw open the old metal doors and stepped outside to the afternoon air. He smiled as he saw the beginning of a sunset on the horizon. He walked toward the three foot block wall that surrounded the roof. He flipped his legs over the edge and sat there.

He was reminded of the time him and Mello sat in that very spot. He looked down to his shaky hands that were gripping the paper.

"This is it." He said quietly. "Since Whammy's, since us, since everything. Everything.." he whispered

He stared at the sunset and began to unfold it. He looked down to the paper and smiled.

_Dear, Mail _

Mail. His real name. Something he almost never heard Mello use.  
>He didn't know why it warmed his heart when he used it. Did he expect for him not to find it?<p>

_I don't expect for you find this…_

Matt rolled his eyes. So not only did he leave him, he's insulting his intelligence too.

_Although, you probably will. Knowing you, anyway. _

Matt swallowed hard and gripped the paper harder. If he was to find Mello, this would be the key. Of course he believed L. But there was still a thirteen percent chance Mello was just confusing. That he didn't love Matt. And he wasn't sure if he could live with that.

_I'm really sorry Matty. _

The orange sun shone on his auburn hair. The sky let off orange, pink, purple, and red rays. It gave the roof a sort of impossible beauty. His eyes scanned the page from his orange goggles.

_You have no idea what it was like watching you sleep peacefully, and knowing I was about to leave you forever. _

His heart clenched on the word 'forever' but he forced himself to breath and continue reading. His heart was beating fast in his chest and his hands were still shaking.

_Do you remember back at Whammy's, when we first met? I punched you in the face because you did better than me on the first test, and you hadn't even studied. You didn't even seem phased. You just winced and rolled your eyes, going back to your game. Hah . Seems so long ago now…_

Matt smiled softly. He did remember. Mello was pissed. He had been introduced to the yellow bombshell on his first day at Whammy's. He hadn't asked about his goggles, or his glasses, or his video games. He just looked him up at down, and then took out a bar of chocolate. That was it. They had been best friends after that. The same week, they had bunked together. Mello studying vigorously and Matt playing his handheld. They had taken the first exams that year. Matt had come out number one, Mello number two. Matt didn't look at the scores. The looks he got in the hall told him what he got. Whatever though. He didn't really care where he placed. He didn't want to be L's successor anyway. He had just beaten a witch when the door was slammed open. He didn't flinch, he had expected it anyway.

"What the fuck is this?" Mello screamed through clenched teeth. He threw a crumpled piece of paper at Matt.

"Hmm?" Matt mumbled not looking away from the game.

"Your number one? Your number one?" He screamed. "You didn't even study!"

"I don't have to."

"What the-"

"I don't need to study because I know it already."

They stood in silence for a few seconds.

_One…two…thre- _He mentally braced himself for the assault.

The silence in the room was interrupted by the sound of knuckles hitting soft flesh. Matt fell back game flying out of his hands. He lifted his hand to his aching jaw and looked up to the seething blonde triumph case. His hands were in tight fists, eyes watering, teeth clenched, and furious.

Matt sighed and picked up his game. He sat himself comfortable and reset. His goblin had been killed and now he would have to start over from the castle. An hour of work wasted.

He felt breath on his neck and froze. Mello's hand extended to his goggles and Matt winced. He had expected him to hit him again, or snap his goggles but furrowed his eyebrows when the blonde boy just adjusted them and withdrew his hand. Pausing only slightly to fix an auburn hair, before sighing, and getting up to leave.

_You were the only person I could never figure out. _

Matt kicked the concrete wall with the back of his feet. He agreed to that. It was the same way for Matt. Mello was the only one that he didn't always get right away. The only one that even intrigued him.

_Maybe that's why I kept you for so long. Because you were the only challenge. I mean, Jesus Mail. When were you ever easy to read? _

Matt sighed and looked back up to the sunset. He was right. He kept his emotions from everybody, even Mello. In reality the only real secret he had ever kept from him was that he loved him. Mello always figured out the other ones. And he didn't feel much use to hide them anyway. But that meant he had to lie about what was really bothering him. He probably seemed like he had a lot of secrets. That thought made him feel a little guilty.

He sighed and looked down back to the paper.

_Until, tonight. I came out to get a glass of water. I didn't expect to find you at the table. Drunk off your ass. _

Even though the paper Matt could hear the attitude in his voice. The memory of that night seemed so long ago. Matt thought to himself. He wrote this that night?

_I never knew Matty… I can't believe I never knew. _

Matt's heart clenched and he closed his eyes quickly to keep from losing it. After a moment he opened them up again and diverted his attention to the sunset. He knew that whatever came next would be important. Could be the deciding factor. Once he saw it, he couldn't un-see it. He braced himself and looked back down to the paper. His piercing green eyes full of raw emotion from behind his goggles. But you wouldn't be able to tell with them on.

_How long? How long has it been? When did it first start huh? This past year? Since we moved in together? Before that? Since we were twelve? Yeah. That's it isn't it? I've loved you since we were twelve. Since we were twelve Matty. Since I met you. I've been in love with you since I met you Mail Jeevas. _

Matt froze. Leg's in mid stride to the wall. He just froze.

* * *

><p><strong>A bit short I do admit. How did you like it? Don't have a beta, but hope i did okay. Review my pretty's! REVIEW . <strong>


	6. Chapter 6

*Ring Ring*

The phone interrupted his sleep and jolted him out of bed. He rolled over and moaned.

_Who the fuck is calling me? _

He looked to the clock and winced. Three in the morning. He'd only been asleep for about an hour and a half. He silently cursed whoever was calling him. He sat up and looked toward the side table.

*DING*

Call missed. He grabbed the phone and flipped it open.

_If it's one of my men I'm going to seriously kill them._

His eyes widened when he realized the number was the police department. The one nearest to Matt. His blood froze in his veins and he felt a panic go through his body. The only time Matt would ever be linked to the police was if something _very_ bad happened. Matt didn't live a life that other people did. He didn't have a job, well he did, it was just a little more unorthodox than most. Hell, Matt technically didn't exist. None of the Whammy kids did. He redialed and got up quickly. When the phone finally picked up he had already almost gotten completely dressed.

"Detective Banes speaking." The tired voice on the line said. He was slipping on his second boot.

"Yes, I uhm…got a call?" Mello replied rushed. He wasn't in the mood to play games. He tried his best to sound like he was doing something normal. It was a little hard though because Mello didn't do _anything_ normal. He was a mafia boss for crying out loud.

"Yes, do you know of a Michael Jean?" the detective asked with a little more acknowledgement.

Michael Jean. Matt's alias. Everything suddenly came crashing down pretty hard. The fake name that was so closely tied to the real one. Matt. The real Matt. The one he abandoned. The one he left. The one he'd tried to spend less and less time thinking about. His efforts were futile of course because he just ended up thinking about him more and more. That name… That alias…

The one he'd thought he'd taken when he left. If he had left an I.D, or anything with his name, the police could have found it. It was the only alias name tied to Mello. Well, tied to one of his many aliases.

He picked up the keys on the coffee table and opened the front door.

"Yes I do." He answered while locking the front door.

There was only one alias he had that was tied to Michael Jean. And he'd also gotten rid of that a long time ago. The only way they could have possibly gotten a hold of it would be…

Matt.

Was he in trouble? Why would he keep Mello's alias open? He wasn't stupid. He knew it wouldn't have been hard for Matt to find him. Hell, it took L no time to find him. And that was only 6 weeks after he'd left. It had been almost 6 months by now. And even if the cops had his alias, there would have been no way to know where he was, or his number for that matter. Unless Matt had had it. He gave it to the police… not to rat him out, but.. in case something happened? He felt a wave of guilt go through his body. So Matt knew where he was? What he was doing? And that he really had abandoned him. It started to make Mello wonder what he had been up to.

If he wanted to, he could know practically everything Matt had been doing. He had his men watching him.

Yeah, he left him. But he couldn't just _leave _him. He convinced himself he was doing it to protect Matt. They were given specific instructions only to contact Mello if something had gone wrong. They were only supposed to watch him for the first three months. It's extremely hard, to have that information at his finger tips. But he _had _to ignore it. And three months passed. Nothing happened. He was fine. So Mello had pulled out. He was starting to wonder that had been the right thing to do.

The person on the line sighed. "I think it would be better if you sat down for this." He said.

Mello's stomach clenched. He'd heard those words before. He knew what they meant. He flung the door open to the stairs and started down the three flights.

"Okay…" Mello said slowly, mentally bracing himself. "What is it?" he asked.

He got to the second flight and sped his pace up.

"Well, we got a 911 call from his neighbor. She reported smelling smoke from the apartment next door." Mello frowned but listened intently. He grabbed onto the railing and began flinging himself down two stairs at a time.

"When the fire department got there," the detective continued, "It was already completely engulfed in flames."

Mello swung the door to the parking garage open and began running to his motorcycle.

"It was too dangerous to get any of our men in there." He said. He talked slowly as if he were talking to a child. But Mello wasn't a child. He wasn't a normal adult either. He had seen horror, and murder, and the news of death wasn't new to him.

A pain tore through his heart.

Is that what this is? Is Matt dead? He swallowed hard. He had to ask.

"Is…is he dead?" Mello asked. He stood in front of his bike, one hand gripping the phone to his ear, other on one handle.

The moment of silence was enough to tell Mello. He felt himself begin to tear up. The lump in throat started to expand and he had to breathe in slowly to keep himself from choking. So Matt wanted him to know. He wanted Mello to know that he was dead. How long had he been in trouble? What was going on? Why hadn't he told Mello he felt like his life was in danger? Well, because it's Matt. And would he have even listened if he did?

"We believe so…" the detective said. It was obvious he didn't like relaying this kind of information.

_He's dead…he…he can't be…right? _

"But, there's one more thing." He added.

Mello took a deep breath. "What is it?" he asked shakily.

"Do you know if anyone would want to hurt Michael?" The detective asked. Mello creased his eyebrows.

"Hurt him? Why?" he asked alarmed.

The detective stayed silent for a moment.

"We don't think it was an accident."

Pause.

Mello flipped the phone closed and flung his leg over the bike in one movement. He shoved his head into the helmet and jump kicked the bike. It took a couple times but then he finally got it going he gunned it out of the garage and as fast as it would go.

He took a moment to send a text before flinging the phone into the air and letting it smash down to the earth. His stomach twisted up. That wasn't the first time he'd done that.

"Goddammit Matt…" he hissed feeling a tear fall down his cheek.

He flung around corners and down countless roads, and everything started to become less and less familiar. He made it to the airport and didn't bother to park his bike. He pulled up to the sidewalk and jumped off. He only took the time to flip the kickstand before he rushed through the front doors.

"Hey boss." A man in a black jacket walked up to Mello.

Mello only looked at him to acknowledge he heard him.

"Okay, okay fine." The man said throwing his hands up.

"Where is it?" Mello asked coldly.

"Already paid for. Terminal six." He replied handing Mello an oversized envelope.

"Okay," Mello said not looking away from the folder. "Listen to me." He ripped it open and pulled out the I.D, passport, gun, etc.

"I want the boys to continue working. Nothing get's halted. There's just some business I have to attend to." Mello said.

His dog eyed him. "Checking on your little pet?" he asked snidely.

Mello eyed him dangerously. He stuck his gun to the man's stomach under his coat, and watched as panic flashed over his face.

"Talk to me like that again." Mello dared. The man didn't say anything.

"That's what I thought." Mello said withdrawing the gun. The man acted indifferent but Mello could tell the relief he felt.

"Oh and Siri…" he said catching the man's attention. "If I find out you've done something, or disobeyed me." He stuck the small gun into Siri's front pocket and made eye contact.

"I'll fucking kill you." Mello said without missing a beat. Siri's eyes went wide. He entertained the idea that he could be joking but soon dismissed it when he studied Mello's expression. He wasn't kidding. Siri got visibly uncomfortable.

"Y-yes sir." He stuttered. Mello nodded. He didn't exactly like the fact that he had to keep all his men scared, but it's just what he had to do. He walked away from his 'dog' and up to the terminal. Not long after he was boarding the plane with a first class ticket.

_Fucking Siri…_

He sighed. He didn't need to be set in first class. Sure it got him away from the more public spaces, but it made him feel guilty. Matt could be dead for all he knew and here he was, sitting in first class.

He felt his body start to panic again. He didn't want to be sitting down. He hated waiting. Hated it. He felt like he should be up doing something. Anything. He knew he would inevitably have to sit on the plane to get there. It was the fastest way and by far the easiest. He could get through the city without being pulled over, mostly because he owned the police department there, but over state he wouldn't have such luck.

His head started to feel dizzy and he rested his head on the back of the seat. He was tired…no _exhausted. _But he knew there was no way he could sleep. Not right now. Matt was…no. He didn't let him think about it. His heart ached and his stomach hurt with guilt. How could he have let this happen? He left to keep him safe. Not so that he'd get burned to death.

Even if he wasn't dead…They said they'd thought so. So what does that mean? He's missing? Did they find blood or signs of a struggle? Did they find a body part or something? He internally cringed. He knew what it looked like. He saw chopped up people regularly. Weird enough but he was in the mafia.

That's who he was. Mello the mafia boss screw up. The one who couldn't even beat a small white haired kid. Something he'd never forgive himself about. Something Matt never forgave him about.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Not an accident… Not an accident… That just didn't make sense to him. He felt an arm on his shoulder and he jumped. He looked over and his expression set to annoyed.

An overly dressed flight attendant was staring at him eyebrows furrowed.

"I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to frighten you." The stewardess said sweetly.

"No problem." Mello muttered.

"Would you like anything for the flight?" she asked. He thought for a moment and nodded.

"Can I get a pillow, and… a chocolate bar." He said.

The flight attendant gave him a smile. "Yes, of course." She said walking away.

He leaned his head back again and sighed. Was he crazy? For just getting on a plane right when he got the call? He had to be. No one in their right mind would just hop on a plane, travel hours away, to just to see an empty apartment. So it's a good thing Mello isn't in his right mind.

Emotional attachment. That's what screwed him over on this. Mello had always thought people were stupid. Especially the people who were murder's and rapists wives, daughters, etc. He hated them because it was made so painfully obvious that their 'loved ones' were psychopaths and they still are convinced they didn't see it coming. But that was also the beauty of it. It clouded your vision. Emotional attachment that is. That's why it was so dangerous. And that's why the only thing that could make the almost perfect intellectual skills he was born with, practically go straight down the toilet.

And the worst part? Of course Matt knew this.

The flight was the second longest, most miserable, thing he'd ever done. I don't have to tell you what the first was.

People filed out, first class first of course, and everyone made their way to baggage. Thankfully Mello didn't have any baggage. Well he did but not the physical kind. Meant for planes. He walked to the front of the airport and hailed a cab. It was early morning. He hadn't slept at all on the plane and he wasn't planning on sleeping at all in the cab. He just wanted to get there. _Needed _to get there.

"Drive as fast as you can. Don't worry about getting pulled over." Mello said throwing a few hundred dollars over the seat. The cabby raised an eyebrow but didn't comment.

A few minutes later they were driving toward the apartment, going about 15 miles over the speed limit. Granted, not as fast as Mello had insisted, but it would have to do.

He couldn't sit still in his seat. He knew when he got the call that he needed to see it himself. The apartment was awhile from the airport, so the car ride was long. The farther they drove, the closer they got.

As they started approaching the surrounding streets he felt his body start to feel anxious. He recognized the shops, the windows, even some of the people. Not that he had ever talked to them, they just happened to be out a lot. It was so familiar, and he was again reminded of why he was here.

He swallowed hard a let out a shaky breath. Closer he got the more he wanted to run away. He started wondering if this was the right decision. When they pulled down their street, their old street, he didn't dare look out the window. He didn't want to see it. He really didn't. Seeing it would be admitting everything. And that was just too painful. Just too dangerous.

The cabby pulled up to the sidewalk and let the car idle. Mello didn't get out right away. The driver didn't question it. He'd been paid not to question. After a moment Mello finally opened the door and stepped out. His eyes diverted to the ground and he stuck his hands in his pockets. He didn't even notice the cab had turned away. He stood, glued to his spot for what seemed like forever.

When he finally looked up his breath caught in his throat. Their floor of their apartment was completely black. Windows were busted out and it looked as if the whole apartment building had been evacuated. He took a deep breath and walked around the side of the building. It pained him more than he'd like to admit to be here. All the memories that had been carefully buried in the past six months resurfacing. Of one night particular.

By the fire escape was a large trash bin. He tipped over the bin and his heart dropped. Under the bin was a stash of weapons and money. It was put in place just in case something happened. It was under a bin nobody used or even took out. The elderly in their apartment didn't come out to the alley anyway, and the shops in the surrounding area were mostly abandoned. It was really as a last resort sort of thing. They were still there… He picked up a glock and shoved the hundred dollar bills in his jacket pocket.

_Get your head together Goddammit. _

He tugged on the charred fire escape and was relieved to find it was still sturdy enough to use. Looking back toward the street to make sure no one was watching he started climbing. They had said it wasn't an accident. Of course, the police are just about as smooth as two grit sandpaper when it came to almost anything. They lacked the intellectual aspect of investigating that was taught to the Whammy kids.

Why had he been thinking so much about Whammy's lately? Well, he knew that one. Matt. Jeez, everything reminded him of Matt. Whammy's was the place he'd fallen in love with him. It was so innocent then… When had it turn into this?

He got to the third floor and hopped in a window. Small ugly yellow apartment. Untouched. Huh… Lucky them. He exited the apartment and immediately recognized his own old wooden door. His heart clenched. It'd been so long since he'd been here. He felt almost ashamed to be back here. He should more self control than this. But he didn't. Never when it came to Matt.

He clicked the safety off on his gun and walked carefully across the floor. He was more nervous than he'd ever felt in his life. When he got to his apartment he faltered. His head was buzzing but he forced himself to breath.

He had to see this… He had to know.

His hand extended to the doorknob and painfully slow pushed it open.

* * *

><p><strong>Whoa. Seriously long chapter. Oh no! Matty! So...What did you think my minions? Did it happen to sudden? I can't tell. Anywho... REVIEW PLEASE! I will literally die if you dont. <strong>


	7. Chapter 7

Mello held his breath, and as the door reached the end of its journey, he felt it leave his lungs. He didn't know what he had been expecting. The apartment was completely burned. Wall's that were once white were black. The air smelled of smoke and other burnt things.

The steps he took as he entered the apartment made crunching noises. He entered the living room and felt his heart drop. Their couch, the ugly, patched up, puke green couch, they'd owned was now all but wood and springs. He didn't know why he felt like it'd meant so much to him. Maybe because it was the last place he'd seen Matt. He looked around and realized, very clearly, the fire did start in this apartment.

He turned toward where their T.V used to be and walked closer. He hesitated a moment before kicking the side of the stand off. His stomach twisted and he felt his knee's give. He fell to the ground and clutched his rosary. The only true thing showing what he was feeling.

Matt's games…all of them. His favorite consoles, gaming systems, countless number of games, they were all destroyed. Blackened and melted. They were the things Matt treasured. That made him so Matt.

With shaky hands he picked out a case to an old game. Probably the oldest of them by far. His thoughts drifted back to when he'd gotten Matt the game.

"_Matt!" Mello yelled closing the door with his foot. He walked to the kitchen and set down the bags in his arms on the table. All but one of course. In it held one small game, one that meant a lot to the both of them. One they hadn't seen since Whammy's. _

_Mello had been looking for a new game for Matt. He was becoming a lot more distant lately, upset a little more maybe. Everything had been great since Matt had moved in, well up until now. He didn't want Matt to be regretting it or something. He knew it was probably just his imagination but he was going to get him something anyway. _

_When he'd entered "nerds r' us" he wasn't sure at all what he'd been looking for. He looked through the first person shooter's, zombies, and almost everything else. He was about to give up and just say "fuck it." When he came across one in the clearance rack. He had to do a double take when the title finally struck him. _

_The game. That goddamn game. It's was the first thing he'd ever gotten Matt when he moved into Whammy's. It was the only game Mello had ever played with Matt. The one that Matt had talked about for months. Then, he'd told himself it was because he was sick of Matt's whining. But he knew it meant more to him than that. The look on Matt's face was everything he'd been expecting except more. _

_Matt had stared at it open mouth until he'd taken off his goggles, something he almost NEVER did, and hugged Mello. The skin on skin had warmed Mello to the core. That must had been the first time the love wasn't innocent. When it'd turned into a burning passion. _

He gripped his rosary tighter.

_Matt had given him the rosary the very next day. It was something he'd had for awhile. He had explained he'd been nervous to give it to him, but that the game had meant so much to him he wanted to. Each gift meant more to them than it simply being gifts. Each gift was their heart. In more symbolical ways. After those days, everything had changed. _

_When they'd left, Mello took his rosary but Matt of course hadn't been able to take the game. _

_So when he came across it in that strange game store he knew he had to get it for him. He bought it with excitement and had came home early. Feigning finishing up too soon as an excuse. He couldn't let Matt know it was because he just really wanted to see him. _

"_What?" Matt yelled from the bedroom. Mello groaned and stalked into the bedroom, throwing it open with his boot. _

"_What the hell are you doing?" Matt asked eyeing the man who was grinning like a maniac. _

"_I got you something Matty." Mello purred hoping on the bed. Matt yelped when Mello tackled him. _

"_Wh-What are you doing?" Matt asked shakily. _

"_I got you something." Mello said. He pulled the bag from behind his back and shoved it in Matt's face._

_Matt raised an eyebrow and Mello rolled off him so he could look inside. Excitement dwindled in every aspect of Mello and it made Matt extremely curious. _

_Matt sat up and adjusted his goggles. He looked at Mello and Mello rolled his eyes._

"_Just open it." He pushed. Matt looked down to the small bag in his hands and without further hesitation ripped the game from it. At first he couldn't find the title, but when he finally did he'd froze. _

_Matt didn't talk for a long time and Mello thought that maybe he didn't like it. Hell, it probably only was sentimental to him anyway. _

"_Oh…my god." Matt breathed. Mello smiled._

"_So…you like it?" Mello asked nervously. _

"_Like it? Holy shit Mello! Where did you find this?" He asked flabbergasted. _

_Mello shrugged embarrassed. "Just at an old game store. I saw it and I thought it'd be cool to have. You know, for old times sakes." He replied._

_Matt's goofy smile spread across his whole face. It was in those brief moments where he saw that smile where it seemed like everything made sense. They made his heart beat fast and his stomach flutter. They were the only time Matt was void of his mask. And even though they only lasted a small while, he cherished them like they were the moon. _

"_Mello this is amazing. I…I could kiss you right now." He stated. After he'd said it his expression quickly changed. He regretted saying it because he saw the same uncomfortable way Mello got, and it really was a huge ego blow. He loved him for Christ sakes. It hurt._

_He cleared his throat and diverted his attention back to the game cover, trying to rid his eyes of the tears. _

"_Thank you Mels." Matt breathed. _

_Mello shrugged and had gotten up to go out of the room. The rest of the day they'd ate pizza and played their game. Then they watched the sunset together. Best memory of his life. _

He clutched the burned piece of plastic hard before chucking it at the wall. The crash it made against the wall was the only noise in the empty apartment. It hurt way too bad. The memories attached to that. He didn't want to see it ever again. He didn't want to admit to himself. He dropped his head into his hands and sighed heavily.

Each moment he sat on the floor in this old done for apartment he felt worse. Hurt more. Memories of his past life crashing down harder than he'd ever imagined it would.

On shaky legs he pulled himself off the ground. Not allowing himself to break until he'd seen the rest of the apartment. He had more self control than that dammit!

He turned and walked into the kitchen, no longer caring enough to be cautious. If he died for it, so what? How bad could that be right now?

Appliances were pulled from the wall's, caution tape slammed around them. The kitchen table and chairs were just ash on the ground now. He walked toward the window and frowned.

It had been busted in. A crow bar lay to the side of the broken glass and a crime scene evidence number was placed by it. Following the number's he walked behind their stove and froze. Gas line had been cut. Chain cutters lay just as discarded as the crowbar.

"_Do you know anyone that's want to hurt Michael?"_

So that's what they meant by that? What the hell was this? Some burglary? He kneeled by the window and examined the glass. His problem solving brain again taking over. There was a small amount of blood and fabric on a small piece. Only enough to be a scratch, something that would have probably gone unnoticed by the intruder. The guy was probably huge.

A pain tore through his heart. His Matt may be incredibly smart, but by no means was he muscle. Not that he couldn't kick practically anybody's ass, but guys that were _huge_, and he's putting emphasis on the multiple, than he'd would have been screwed.

He felt himself becoming angry in himself. This was his fault. No way anything like this would have happened if he'd been here. He would have shot someone before they touched a hair on Matt's head.

He stood up and swallowed hard. The lump in throat refused to go down and he sniffled. He felt so utterly pathetic. Here he was trying to protect him and all he did was get him killed. What kind of person does that for someone they love?

He clenched his fists and forced himself out of the kitchen and back through the living room to the bedroom. He started wondering why Matt had stayed in this apartment. He should have wanted to move. To be as far away from Mello as he could.

He wished Matt hated him. He wished he hadn't felt the way Mello had. _Does_. Because he still loves him with everything he is. It wasn't fair what he put Matt through, and he knew that.

He pushed open the charred door and slugged his way in. He sat on the spring bed and brought his knee's to his chest and buried his head down. For the first time since he left Matt, he let himself cry.

He hated crying. It made him feel weak and he hated feeling weak. He had always made himself strong. For his dogs. For himself. For Matt.

His heart hurt. He wished he could have told Matt. Before he died. Told him how he loved him. He stopped crying and lifted his head.

Duh.

He wiped the remaining tears from his face and dropped his knee's. He left Matt a note. One that told him all his feelings. Not anymore or less of what was necessary. Something so completely him. He wondered if he found it. No, he begged he'd found it. Taking a deep breath he opened the dresser drawer. It was a miracle the thing had survived in one piece.

The dresser made a scratching noise when it opened. The only sound in the apartment other than the echoes of his previous sobs. It was a good break. A sound so completely welcomed in the silence.

With shaky hands he pulled out the bottom and froze. The color quickly faded from his face.

The notebook, perfect and unburned lay there. Just as new as when he bought it. So that meant…

Everything started to fall in place after that small fraction of a moment. He ripped his hand back as if it burned him and brought it up to his mouth. He let out a small noise and shut his eyes.

_No. No fucking way._

Images of the past two days flashed through his eyes.

"_Is…is he dead?"_

"_We…believe so."_

We _believe. _Believe. That was it. That was the biggest flaw in it. Something he should have seen so clearly. But he hadn't. How had he not?

It just proved that Mello couldn't be without Matt. Not only is he too smart for his own good, he's in more danger with Mello gone. Hell, _Mello's _in more danger with Mello gone.

He felt like a weight lifted off his chest. For the first time in what seemed like forever he thanked god. He'd never felt so good about being manipulated in his entire life. Don't get him wrong, he was still pissed at himself for not seeing everything sooner. Everything was so flawless. And nothing is flawless. Nothing except Matt.

And that's how he knew. How Matt had been behind it. It was just like him.

He let his hand drop and felt himself chuckle.

_Dummkopf… _

"Oh…my god." He breathed looking to the ceiling. He sat there for what seemed like forever. His stomach was in knots and he was almost in shock. His heart was beating so fast in his chest he would have thought he was dying. But he knew better. He wasn't dying. He was being brought back to life.

"Hello Matt." He said hoarsely.

Pause. Silence.

"Hello Mello."

* * *

><p><strong>... Oh my goodness. Well, was that not a good reunion or what? I figured I needed to show how skilled Matt really was. So Review and tell me what you think! Did I do good? Or did I do good?<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

He walked out to the fire escape, journal in hand. All that needed to be done was. Evidence planted, electronics cut, blah blah blah. All seemed insignificant in comparison. He knew that his plan had holes in it. Actually he'd planned on that. For this to work it would require a lot more than just planning on his part. It would require Mello. He would play a part and he didn't even know. There was an eighty seven percent chance this would work. He smiled. If Mello loved him, it would work. And he was planning on it to work.

He took one last drag of his cigarette.

_Ammonia and water based coat around the edges of the apartment. It gives the neighbors a chance to get out. Stalls the burn._

The exhale of smoke swerved in front of him. A shade whiter than the sky. A full moon peeked its way from behind a cloud, causing a ray of moonlight to shine across the apartment. His pink lips were parted slightly, eyes hidden in his orange goggles. His long finger's gripped the cigarette loosely as it continued to burn.

Matt's weakness had always been his eyes. They showed his every emotion. His feelings. And he couldn't allow that. Without his goggles he was bare, and vulnerable. He didn't have the luxury to be vulnerable. Not with anyone but Mello.

His chest rose and fell quick with a sigh. Skin as pale as ever peeked from behind his stripes. His grip tightened a moment as he brought his arm over his shoulder. Taking his time to savor what he was about to do.

He flicked his cigarette behind him and jumped down the fire escape. He didn't look back as the gasoline ignited the apartment, licking at the furniture and every personal item he owned.

He watched from bellow as the fire started to engulf the apartment. The red glow was the only light down this empty street. It casted off shadows into the night, and through his orange tinted goggles, he knew he was well on his way. He took a few moments to silently say his prayers to the apartment. Considering the crappiness of it, there wasn't much to miss. But to him it was more than an apartment. It was his life. One he'd never get back. One he never _wanted _to get back.

The orange and red colors danced across the gamers face. The reflection in his goggles only seen to the dark night. He stood there with his hands in his jacket pockets, auburn hair and striped sweater almost the same color.

Sure, he was going to miss his countless handhelds and other devices, but they meant almost nothing to him right now. Mello had always said that the only way he'd know Matt was really dead, was if all his games were still there, and he wasn't. It had been said as a joke at the time, but Matt counted on that. Mello almost never said something he didn't mean. Not to Matt at least.

That's the only reason he had faith in the beginning at all. Mello hadn't told him he loved him when he left. But he hadn't told him he didn't. Silent answers like that. That's what he got from him. It's the way it had always been. Even when they were kids.

Fire trucks sounded in the distance and he vaguely noticed the multiple tenants already piling out. He saw the red and blue flashing over the city and decided it was probably time. He turned his back to the fire, to the apartment, to his old life, and walked out into the night. Only his silhouette being seen as stepped away.

* * *

><p>Matt sat on the roof. Computer on his lap, cigarette in mouth. He'd already planted the notebook and if his timing was right, which it was, Mello should be here any minute. The anxious feeling in his gut only increased as the seconds ticked away.<p>

He set up small bug camera's in front of the building, including the hallways, and not sparing any of the apartments. This was the last stage of the plan.

His stomach was twisting up but he pushed it away. He didn't need to feel nervous now. He needed to focus.

The car pulled up and Matt found himself holding his breath. He clutched the sides of the laptop and didn't dare himself to blink. Like he'd expected, Mello hesitated. So when the car door finally swung open and Mello stepped out, Matt's heart skipped a beat. No… No it stopped completely.

There he was. Not but a ten feet away from the building he was currently occupying. Though, threw the computer screen he looked so close. Almost close enough to touch.

When he finally got the will to breathe his head unclogged. That's when it finally hit him, that here….in the flesh…stood his love.

He choked back a sob and gripped his heart. Could you really blame him? For being so upset. Six months. Six fucking months. That's how long it'd been.

The last words he'd said to him?

_"You mustn't drink so much."_

Those were the last words he heard out of his mouth. So excuse him, for being a little upset and pissed off. He couldn't even have given him a little hint or something?

Matt sighed. Of course he couldn't have. Matt wouldn't have let him leave. Eyes diverted back to the screen and he watched Mello walk around the building.

_What's he- Oh. _

He knew it was going to be a major blow seeing their "last resort if were still alive." untouched. He had to try to dwindle any hope he was alive. He had to break him.

Only when he was broken completely and hope was lost would he be able to see the truth.

_Crash _

Matt rolled his eyes. Of course, Mello would break some shit in someone's apartment.

He stood up carrying his laptop and walked to the fire escape. Mello's hand on the doorknob made his heart clench. Even threw the computer screen he could see the uncertainty in his eyes. He kept his eyes on the screen as he moved down the steps of the metal death trap down to their room. He stopped outside, making sure to be extremely quiet.

The sound of something breaking made him jump.

_What the hell?_

He looked to the laptop and he froze. Mello collapsed in front of the T.V, or what was left of it at least. Matt smiled softly. His games… Of course. On the ground, sat his angel. His beautiful blonde fire ball. Curled up in a…beautiful blonde fire ball.

Why was he crying? His hand was up to his chest and he panicked for a moment thinking that Mello might be sick. When his head rose and he saw what he'd been clutching time stopped.

His rosary. The one Matt gave him all those years ago. He still had it. Even when he left, he didn't part with it. The sight really made his heart hurt. He loved him. God did he love him.

He wondered if he'd talk to him after this. No… he stopped himself from thinking like that. He was going to. He had to. Matt wouldn't let him leave him again. Not now. Not after he sacrificed everything to do this. He couldn't. He wouldn't.

Mello would surely know that. He found himself extremely anxious. He wanted to jump in there and tackle him. He repressed the urge. It seemed Matt was just about as compromised as Mello.

Mello rose. Matt froze.

He was standing far enough away from the fire escape window he couldn't see him, but he didn't want to take any chances. Not yet.

He stayed behind as Mello made his way to the kitchen. Matt's heart raced. This was an important part. Mello had to buy this. He had to believe that everything there was real.

The police had been there and somewhat made the crime scene messy. He rolled his eyes. Police were seriously unreliable. If they didn't have it dangling in front of their noses…

He watched with concentration as he studied Mello's every move. He bent down and Matt's heart started to race. He could tell he was studying it and involuntarily smiled. Mello's mind worked like a machine. Constantly processing information. In any situation.

He couldn't help but to smile about it. Hell, there was almost nothing Mello did that didn't make Matt smile.

Mello frowned and something flashed behind his eyes. Matt knew him well. Too well, to know that was anger. Mello always had a harder time hiding his emotions. It showed in the way his face set, the stiffening of his body, the way his fists clenched. To most people these things were too subtle. But Matt knew him way better than that. He always had.

If he hadn't this wouldn't have worked.

He followed him with his eyes as he stomped to the bedroom. His heart broke and he couldn't suppress a small gasp when Mello broke down.

This was it. This is what he needed. This is what had to happen. Even though he was telling himself this he felt so extremely bad. He'd known this was coming, and he dreaded it. He never wanted to be the reason Mello cried. Not ever. He just wanted to see him smile. Be happy.

He took a deep breath and looked away. If he kept watching he might just start crying himself. His heart ached deeply. He tried not to think about how close Mello really was. He pretended he was watching him from another country. Like this was just another project. He had to or this would all fail. Because if he left himself dwell on the fact he was just in another room, well he wouldn't be able to handle that much.

Mello quieted and lifted his head. Matt's eyes diverting once more. Recognition in Mello's eyes made Matt's heart race. This is it… He's so close. The brilliance and how well his plan had gone together was making him giddy.

His giddiness was soon surpassed by an overwhelming feeling on anxiety. He soon had to face him. Very soon to be exact.

He stepped carefully into the burned apartment, being careful not to make any noise. When he was near the open door, he put his back against the wall and watched the screen.

Oh so slowly, Mello opened the drawer. The scratching sound made Matt's jump. He felt like he was crawling out of his skin.

_Was this a good idea? Mello's probably going to beat the shit out of me isn't he? Oh god, maybe I shouldn't have…_

That squeal from the blonde in the other room made Matt freeze. So here it was. Now he had to know. One look to the screen reassured him. Yep, he definitely knew. He couldn't tell the emotions that flashed over his eyes but he definitely knew.

Matt closed his eyes tight and braced himself. Being in the mafia, and having your life being risked, isn't even remotely close to how scared he was right now. But it was something he had to do. One thought about what it was like _without_ Mello was all the reassurance he needed.

_Chuckle._

Matt's breath caught. He felt a tingle travel down his spine. His voice, after so long of silence, made him feel like he was going to explode. Everything up until then suddenly seemed so worth it. Just to hear Mello again was like heaven.

"_Oh…my god." _

Matt smirked. Recognition. Everything was now clear. Everything from there on was left up to Mello. The situation was now in his hands. Which from experience could probably be a bad situation. But it calmed him. Like a weight being lifted off his shoulders.

"_Hello Matt."_

Stomach lurched forward and his head spun. He took a breath to keep his composure. His voice hoarse and rough from crying cut through him like butter. Perfect words. From perfect lips. Speaking _his _name. It made his knee's weak.

_Well come on now Matt. Were here. _

"Hello Mello." He replied stepping from behind the wall.

* * *

><p><strong>Oh Matty... So That's kind of Matt's view on things up until that point. What do you think about it? Huh? So...yeah. You need to review on this chapter. I need to know! REVIEW!<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

"_Hello Matt."_

"_Hello Mello" Matt replied stepping from behind the wall. _

Matt. The brunette stood in the doorway, fleet planted firmly, hands in fists. Green eyes piercing and protected behind orange goggles. His breath left his body the moment he made eye contact with the blonde. He didn't dare move. His heart felt like it was about to beat out of his chest. His whole life, everything he'd done up until then made complete sense. It was all for him. Every soulless decision, every late night, everything he'd ever done. Mail Jeevas was no longer lost. He couldn't help but let a tear fall from his eye as he tugged up a corner of his mouth.

Mello. His angel. He sat on the bed, legs parted, elbows resting on his knees. His chest felt extremely heavy and his heart skipped a beat the moment he saw the auburn hair. His feet were now touching the ground. The relief he felt couldn't be explained. He had been so scared, so desperate, when he'd thought he lost him. That crazy fucking brunette. He loved him more than words could explain. Gravity seemed to finally be in balance. Broken blue orbs watched as his love attempted a shy smile.

Matt felt the rest of the world melt away. Here was his angel. Sitting right in front of him. All blond and in leather and just so Mello. As much as it pained him he removed his eyes first. It hurt but he had to keep his cool. But he didn't feel cool. Actually, on the inside he was freaking out.

The only sound in the room was of their breathing. You could probably cut the tension in the room with a knife. Neither one said anything.

He positioned himself in his signature pose against the wall by the door, this time_ in_ the room. He took out his pack of cigarettes, and withdrew one bringing it to his lips. His hands were shaking but he forced himself to be still. He'd already gotten so far. He didn't look back up to him. Instead he was building up his walls for the impeding attack. This calmness about him was seriously frying his nerves.

Mello wasn't a calm person. He knew this was just like the calm before the storm. But he didn't care. He'd take the hits, he'd take the abuse, because he loved him with every fiber of his being. And he would never give up on him. Not until he took his last breath.

Which, thanks to Mello, may not be too long…

He didn't want to be standing so far away. To him it felt like an ocean. His body begged him to move forward. To say something. But he couldn't. He knew he'd done all he could. Now all he had to do was sit back, and take whatever Mello presented him.

He pulled out a lighter and flipped the top of the metal case open. The small click echoed in the room. With a rough sound the lighter endued a small flame and he brought it up to his lips. He locked eyes with Mello and inhaled a deeply as he flipped it closed. He positioned it back in his carpenter pants and looked up to the ceiling letting his thin pale neck show. His Adams apple bobbed up and down once as he blew out a long breath, flicking his eyes closed at the feeling. Nothing to calm your nerves like dosing yourself with some nicotine.

Mello was still seated on the bed, or what was left of it. He didn't take his eyes off Matt for one minute. Almost as if he were afraid he would disappear. Blonde hair half hid his face, and his piercing blue eyes were dark with something that Matt wouldn't even begin to inquire about. His features were set to as blank as possible but he couldn't hide the relief in his eyes. He frowned slightly and watched Matt.

"Matt…" Mello spoke quietly.

"Hmm…" Matt replied. He refused to make eye contact, instead he crossed his arms and examined the ceiling.

Mello turned red. "Do you have any fucking idea how scared I was…" he said through clenched teeth.

Matt winced. Here it comes...

"Do you have any idea how scared _I _was?" He retorted looking down to the blonde. They locked eyes and Mello's expression fell. They stood staring at each other in silence. Right now nothing else in the world mattered. All that mattered was the two of them. Right here. In this room. It didn't matter that Mello was commanding the mafia, or that Matt could control the police department with a computer, all that mattered was them. Nothing else even existed. Their whole world, their lives, were in a small, dirty, burned condo apartment. A sanctuary. _Their _sanctuary.

"I'm sorry Matty…" he whispered voice breaking. Matt tried his best to hold back the sharp intake of breath when Mello said his name. It always made his body tingle.

"Oh that's rich." Matt scoffed looking away. Who the hell did he think he was? He couldn't just use his soft spot and say sorry and think he'd be forgiven. Hell no. No fucking way he was just forgetting.

"What else do you want me to say?" Mello yelled clenching his fists.

"I don't know Mello. Something!"

"What you want me to beg your forgiveness?" Mello mocked.

"No I don't."

"Then what do you want?" he screamed.

"I want to know why!" Matt yelled pushing himself off the wall. Mello stopped.

"I want to know why you left." Matt said quieter. He searched Mello's eyes for any sign, but all he saw was him start to retreat again.

Oh bloody hell…

He knelt on the ground in front of Mello and ripped off his goggles, letting them dangle over stripes on his pale neck. Mello stared at him, seemingly out of words.

It was true Matt almost never took his goggles off. Even in front of Mello. It was only during extreme times. And he knew that Mello couldn't ignore him like this. Matt didn't show weakness, and for him to do so, meant he was extremely serious, and Mello knew that. With Matt's goggles off, he showed his weakness. All of it. He gave his security and trust onto that person. Onto Mello.

"Just tell me why…" Matt said almost in a whisper. Green eyes filled with hurt and fear. Green eyes filled with pain and love, filled with memories. Those damn green eyes intimidated Mello. It was scary to see the truth. They were beautiful and intense and Mello's stomach clenched tight.

Mello stared at him for a long time. His eyes locked with Matt. He closed his eyes and took a deep sigh. Matt wasn't going to give up. Probably ever, by the looks of it. He had already brought him all the way here. Didn't he owe it to him?

But it was still dangerous! How could he do that to him… How?

"Matty I'm scared…" Mello croaked.

"I know…"Matt whispered back. He grabbed Mello's hands and entangled them with his own. When they were kids, they used to do that a lot. It felt extremely good to have Mello's finger's between his own. It was almost as if it was meant to be there. As if Mello was meant to be there.

Mello opened his eyes and met Matt's green ones.

"I left because I was scared." He whispered. "For you."

Matt stood up abruptly. Mello looked up at him eyebrows furrowed.

"You're an idiot." Matt shot.

Mello was taken aback. Woah… What the hell just happened?

"Why? For trying to protect you?" Mello yelled.

"Protect me?" Matt scoffed.

"What the hell was I supposed to do?" Mello yelled joining Matt on his feet. Matt stood toe to toe with Mello.

"So your first reaction is just take off?" he asked.

Mello chuckled and moved closer, causing Matt to back up. Adrenaline was going through his body and he almost shook with anger.

"I was trying to protect you Matt." Mello said through clenched teeth.

Matt's back hit the wall and Mello's arm's landed on either side of Matt, planted firmly on the burnt sheet rock by his head.

Matt took a big gulp and felt his face heat up. They were face to face, so close he could feel Mello's breath on his lips. A tear fell from the auburn haired boy.

"You promised…" he whispered closing his eyes.

Mello visibly froze.

"After you came back the first time. You promised me you'd never leave again. When we were on the roof that one night. You promised Mels..."

A few moments of silence went by and Matt's stomach clenched up. He knew that struck a nerve but he couldn't help it. It hurt. He had promised him. He fucking promised.

"I love you Matt." Mello said.

Matt's eyes popped open and he stared mouth open to the blonde. Mello stared back and a smile stretched across his face.

"I love you." He repeated. Matt's heart skipped a beat and he felt like he was about to faint. He'd never once thought he'd ever hear those words come off the man's lips. Sure, he dreamed about it, but this nothing like in his dreams.

"And I'm really really sorry." Mello looked down. He switched feet and shyly looked up through his blonde hair.

Matt's breath caught. God, he was beautiful. Beautiful and so…Mello. It was incredible the feeling he gave him. He never wanted him to leave him. Ever.

Matt let out a deep breath. What was he supposed to say now? Was he supposed to forgive him. The wall felt cold against his back and Mello made him feel so hot. He felt like all the feeling's he'd been feeling for all these years came surfacing. All of his tears, and all of his fears, were resolute by those three words. Those three beautiful words that came out of parted angel pink lips.

"I…I love you too Mels." He replied out of breath.

Mello relaxed and moved up closer to Matt.

"Matt?" he whispered.

"Yeah?" Matt answered shakily.

"I love you." Mello said as he moved and captured Matt's lips with his own.

Matt's heart practically burst. He felt everything inside of him explode. Never in his life had anything felt so good. His body felt foreign. Strange. Hot breath mingled and finger's entwined in angel soft hair. His stomach clenched up tight as he moved his mouth eagerly against Mello's. He was finall-

Matt woke with a start.

His sat up quickly and was breathing heavy. He looked around furrowing his eyebrows. His eyes took awhile to adjust to the dark and he felt himself start to panic. He was lying on the green couch. Apartment unburned and bottle of Vodka opened on the floor.

He stood up abruptly on wobbly feet and ignored the headache he was getting. What the hell was going on? His stomach was clenching painfully and there was a lump in his throat.

_Oh god… Please god…don't let it be what I think it is.._

He, dazed and confused, walked to the bedroom door. He shoved it open and his eyes panickly searched for Mello. He looked down and layed eyes on the hint of blonde on the pillow. Mello was sleeping peacefully.

"Mello?" Matt said full of emotion, letting his voice echo through the apartment.

Mello groaned and sat up rubbing his eyes. He sat for a moment before he sighed and looked at Matt.

"What?" he asked irritated.

"W-What happened?" he choked.

Mello furrowed his eyebrows before sighing.

"I got up to get a glass of water and I found you drunk off your ass in the kitchen. You were mumbling incoherent shit so I carried you to the living room." He answered.

There were a few moments of silence.

"I…I didn't tell you I loved you…?" he hesitated.

Mello smirked. "Of course not. Were both _guys_, you weren't _that_ drunk." He answered.

Time froze. Matt's blood turned to ice. He choked and felt his eyes well up with tears. It was all….all a dream?

"Matt?" Mello asked concerned. "What's wrong?"

Matt turned around flinging himself out the front door. He didn't answer the calling of his name. He ran out the doors of the apartment building and let the tears fall from his eyes. All he felt was the pavement under his feet. He didn't even hear the screeching of tires and the car horn, he didn't even see the headlights.

* * *

><p><strong>This was at first going to be the end. But, between further thought and multiple death threats, I've decided this story will continue. So... Look forward to an upcoming chapter ten.<br>**


	10. Chapter 10

"_Mom?" No answer. _

"_Mommy!" The eight year old boy yelled. He was standing by the door. It was raining. _

"_Shut up! Just shut up!" The woman yelled. She was standing out front, pointing a gun at her husband. _

"_You stupid bitch, you won't do it!" The man yelled back._

_The woman was sobbing. Her fire red hair drenched in rain. _

_The boy cries. "Mommy what are you doing?" he screams. _

"_Shut up Mail! This is between your crazy mother and I!" his father yells at him. _

"_Put your goggles on baby…I don't want you to see this." The mother says to her baby son._

_He listens. He curls into a ball and put's on his goggles. Everything is always more bearable with them on. _

_His father. His father is a drug lord. High as they can go. His father is smart. His mother, is a genius. _

_He doesn't know why their fighting. He doesn't like it. _

"_Do it you stupid bitch!" his drunk father yells. _

"_I will!" she screams back holding her finger on the trigger. She holds the gun. With two hands. She faces it at her husband. He stands brown hair plastered to his face. He is not a big man, but he is not small. His mother is small. His mother is beautiful. But his mother was never beautiful enough for his dead beat father. He hates his father. _

"_Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" The boy yells cupping his ears. He doesn't want to hear the screaming. He doesn't. _

"_Yes dear. Why don't you." His father mocks at his equally alcoholic mother. _

"_I will," she sobs. "I will stop it!" _

_One. Two. Three. _

_Shots ring out of the gun and Matt clutches his ears tighter. He watches the flashes like they were lightening. He listens to the ringing like it was thunder. He watches as the blood stains the dirt. He watches his father fall. He says nothing. He's seen it before. _

_His mother drops the gun and runs into the house. The boy follows her. _

"_Mommy?" The shaky boy says._

"_It's okay honey. Mommy's gotta go away. You stay here and be a good boy." She replies. _

"_Where are you going?"_

"_Somewhere!" she yells. She's irritated. So he doesn't speak. He curls up and watches as Mommy packs a bag. _

"_Mail…" she says bending down to him. She takes his hand. He blinks his big green eyes at her through his goggles. _

"_There is no such thing as love. Okay baby? Just remember, you have to keep out for yourself. Alright?" She speaks these words as if their important. He thinks they are. He nods his head as hot tears fall down his cheeks._

"_I'm sorry baby." She says and kisses his head. Her rosary dangles on her neck and swishes back and forth as she packs her bag. Her beautiful blue eyes give him a moment's look. _

"_I don't want you to go…" The boy cries. _

_She doesn't respond. She grabs her bag, and the boy's hand and leads them out of the house. She turns back for only a moment to light the curtains on fire. _

"_There will be someone to come get you alright?" she says. He nods and clutches his body from the rain. _

_She leaves him running after her as she takes off._

"_M-m-mommy!" the boy sobs as he runs after his mother. _

_His mother doesn't turn back, she keeps running. Feeling only the pavement under her feet. She doesn't hear the screeching of tires and the car horn, she doesn't see the headlights. _

_The sound is deafening. As the truck hits his mother he stops. He watches in horror as blood stains the pavement. It's tinted orange. Everything is tinted orange. _

_Smoke bellows from the now non moving truck. The horn is permanently pressed. Giving the rainy night the only sound accompanied by the boy's screams. _

_He runs after his mother. She is broken. She is broken and bleeding and orange. He shakes her. She doesn't stir. He knows she is dead. He tells himself he mustn't cry. So he doesn't. He doesn't cry. He carefully lifts her head to remove the rosary. _

_He places the rosary around his neck. The blood on it washes off as the rain still beats down from the grey skies. He turns toward the house. He is shaking and cold, but the house is on fire and warm. _

_He walks on wobbly legs toward the burning house. He collapses in front of it. Letting the cold beat over him. He doesn't wake or stir as the ambulance and fire trucks get there. No one stirs him. They don't want to have to deal with an eight year old. _

_That's when he meets Whammy. Whammy is kind and gentle, and says he won't hit him, so the boy goes with him. He goes to a big house. A house with lot's of other children. He brings his games. He keeps himself shielded from the kids with his goggles. He's safer that way._

_They look at him strange. They talk to him a lot but he doesn't like them. He sleeps alone, always with his goggles. He always has them on. _

_Then he meets the angel. The angel walks in with eyes like his mother. He is eating chocolate, and he stands firm and independent. Like the boy does. He doesn't ask about his games, or his goggles. He doesn't ask. He doesn't look at him like he's a science fair project. He just accepts it. He likes him immediately. _

_The angel never asks about his mother, or his father. The angel doesn't know, when he gives him his rosary, that it was his mothers. He does not tell him. He doesn't know it was pulled from her neck, after she dies. He doesn't know. He does not tell. _

_His mother was wrong. There is such thing as Love. But he does not say anything. Because he is scared. He protects himself. He keeps out for himself, just like his mother says. But he always looks out for his angel. His angel doesn't need him, but wants him. He likes that. He likes his angel. _

_He loves him. He knows this. They are best friends, he wants him to be happy. So he doesn't say anything. It's just like his mother. His mother loved his father. His father did not love his mother. They both died for that. He wouldn't kill his angel._

_He watches his angel sometimes. He sits calculating, his big blue eyes soft and strong like his mothers. His soft long hair dangling over his face. The rosary hangs from his neck, falling over curves on his body. He protects Matt. And Matt protects Mello. _

_Because his mother was wrong. Love does exist. _

* * *

><p>The first thing he thought that he'd see was like a bright light. People say when they die, they see a bright light. He did see a bright light. But it was hard to remember. Everything was hard to remember.<p>

He knew he had a name. He just couldn't remember what it was. The only thing he remembered was his mother. Wait…his mother? She was hit by a car right? After his father said he didn't love her.

Matt was hit by a car. Why didn't that feel right. The last thing he saw before darkness, was Mello's face. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Mello was not there, not there when he was hit. So why does he remember him being right in front of him.

Why couldn't he remember anything else? Being hit felt like a memory. Or maybe a dream. But it wasn't a dream right? Everything else was?

No, No that can't be it. That can't be. Before he passed out, He saw Mello. That he was sure of. His face. His blonde hair. The rosary. His mothers eyes.

But he wasn't outside. He heard doors. They were so loud. He heard shouting. That was also loud. Then he saw white.

And then black. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He couldn't think. He could only hear. He didn't feel anything. Although his head was heavy. Blood stained his skin.

So he was definitely sure he was inside when he'd been hit. But that didn't make sense. Car's aren't inside.

The last thing he remembered was being with Mello. His fingers in his hair. That didn't feel like a dream. The car felt like a dream. His mother had been hit. But that didn't just happen did it? No, he was a child when it happened.

It felt like he'd just watched it. Like it'd just happened. Like he saw his whole life flash before his eyes.

Was he dead? If he was he sure didn't know how. He couldn't have been hit by a car. Then why did he have that memory? So many memories…

* * *

><p>"<em>Let's play a game!" The angel said. They were in a field. Right outside Whammy's. It was huge. It had tree's all around it. The grass was soft and soil was dry. It was perfect. It wasn't itchy, like most grass. It felt like Mello's hair. Soft. <em>

_They used to play out there when they were kids. _

"_What kind of game?" The boy asked as he watched the blonde through his goggles. _

"_I will be a doctor." The angel stated proclaiming himself proudly. The boy giggled._

"_And you," the angel pointed. "Will be my patient."_

_The boy's eyes grew big as the angel pounced on him, knocking him to the ground. They were both giggling. _

_The angel pulled up the boy's shirt. _

"_Looks like we have to operate." The angel said in a "doctor voice". _

_The boy gasped. "No!" he feigned. _

_The angel smiled. His blue eyes sparkled._

"_Oh yes patient Matty!" he said raising a finger. _

_The boy let his head rest in the grass. He smiled big and giggled now and then when the angel would tickle him. _

_The angel lay beside him. He kicked his feet and watched the birds and tree's. _

"_Hey Matty…" the angel spoke. The boy turned his head. _

"_Yeah?" he answered. The angel smiled and poked his forehead. _

"_If you ever got hurt, I'd fix you." He said. _

_The boy smiled. "I'd fix you too." He said. _

_They held hands. Like they always did when they were kids. They lay there, and watched the forest and tree's, they watched the sunset, and they watched the way the colors danced across anything they could get a hold of. _

* * *

><p>"I'll fix you! I promise!"<p>

He remembered that. He remembered that voice. That's the angels voice. It was rough and hoarse, it wasn't at Whammy's . It was just before he saw darkness.

Then he remembered. Glass. He remembered the sound of breaking glass. That whish. He didn't remember the car anymore.

No, that hadn't been real. He's sure of that now.

He was hurt. He knew that. But it hadn't been a car. The car was what took his mother. It's not what took him. That was a memory. Had he just imagined all of that? Why would he had imagined it?

Why did his head feel funny? Did something happen to his head? Is that why he'd imagined it?

He felt like he was drowning. Being pulled away. He didn't want to go. He wanted to see Mello. He had to know if he was dreaming or not. He had to know if it had been real. It didn't make sense that he'd dream all of that. It didn't make sense.

So what had he dreamt? The car? Wait…

Did he dream…that it was a dream? Whoa. Too much déjà vu. He couldn't tell which memories were reality. They kept coming. All the memories. All the dreams.

His whole life. He saw his whole life. But now he felt so tired. Why did he feel so tired?

He didn't know what had happened. His mind was so confused and he tried to piece it together with anything he could. He was thinking about so many scenarios but nothing but Mello's face seemed right. All he knew was that he was surrounded by darkness. Right now, all he knew for sure, was that he didn't know anything at all.

* * *

><p><strong>Poor Matty. He has no idea whats going on. I hope I conveyed this the way I was trying... I hope you understood it like you should have. Hah. Review please. <strong>


	11. Part two title

'Broken' part 2.,

Capture...


	12. Chapter 11

The I.V in the hospital room beeped quietly in a sad rhythm. A faint light from the full moon peered through the curtains on the window and reflected off of the metal medical equipment. A faint breeze rolled through the room. It was a hot summer night, partly cloudy, and completely empty feeling. The world felt like it was at a still. The busy city only seemed to buzz quietly to the sound of the wind.

Matt's chest rose and fell slowly with his deep breaths. He'd been under for the past three days. His pale skin seemed impossibly colorless, his face calm and empty, and limbs lifeless. His head was bandaged heavily, and after twelve hours of uninterrupted surgery a faceless doctor had told him it was a miracle he'd survived.

Matt was a miracle in itself. His perfect cream skin looked almost too invaluable to touch. Long fingers that used to grip deadly blades, and a soft neck that made the room intake a breath. There were those eyes, piercing and hidden like a precious treasure behind orange goggles. He didn't wear them now, for there was no fear that anyone should see his weakness. They weren't sure when he'd wake up. They weren't sure _if _he'd wake up.

Mello sat head in hands, on the side of Matt's bed. He hadn't left him since he got out of surgery. His hair was messy, he was covered in blood, and frankly he looked like shit. Appropriate because he felt like shit. They were on the twelfth level on one of L's many buildings. His building had a built in, three level, top notch medical facility, one of the best in the country. He sat, body heavy, and nerves fried.

He didn't deserve him, and if Matt were to wake up, and he was to see those impossibly piercing green orbs staring back at him he'd melt. Melt into the nothingness he deserved. Because Matt deserved the world. He deserved everything that wasn't Mello. Mello was flawed, emotionally compromised, and had a temper. Matt….Matt was different. He was perfect. He was quiet and critical, surpassed Mello in practically everything, yet….yet it was always Mello who had control. Matt would fight for him at a drop of a pin. And he had deserted him? Left him alone after so long? Kept him sheltered from the beauty of the world and engulfed his soul into a life he should never have to experience. He would never…never forgive himself for what he did to him. He almost got him killed. The fact that Mello chose this life, was the reason Matt so feverishly craved it.

The fast nights, fast money, and gun chases were a daily occurrence. He had bought himself at least a dozen of the nicest foreign sports car's ever made. Most better than Mel's bikes. He thought back on the warm nights they used to race through the city. Shifting fast, dodging in and out of traffic, drifting corners with no effort. He remembered looking through a tinted motorcycle helmet at Matt, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, smile on his face as he shifted into fifth gear. He would give anything to go back to that. He would never get that back. Never get that trust from Matt he once had. And he'd never get to hold him close like the moment before all of this happened.

He had spent months, months without him. Matt had spent months alone. What had he been doing when Mello left? What kind of trouble could he have gotten into? What kind of people did he meet? When he saw that beautiful auburn haired boy turn that corner in their old apartment he almost died right there. Long eyelashes flittering closed as he took a drag of his cancer stick. It would be the last time he underestimated the gamer, and the first time he'd realized how much Matt cared for him. He cared for him enough not to immediately confront him. He had found him and waited even though he had him at his fingertips.

He'd spent so long protecting the auburn haired boy he didn't even realize what Matt was going through. He let his insecurities about everything control it. Matt just let Mello so willingly control it. The one time he was caught off guard, and Matt had been really hurt. Right in front of his eyes. He was worried, and nauseated, but Matt was alive. He would thank the god he didn't believe in profusely. He sighed and sat back studying the sleeping man's form. He had left, hoping it would keep him safe, and the minute he came back, his life was taken from his hands. Matt technically died six times, three times in the helicopter, once in the elevator on the way to the hospital, and twice in the operating room. Watari performed the paddles until he was able to release Matt to one of L's trusted medical professionals.

Mello smiled sadly. "I'm so sorry Matty…" he whispered. He had failed to protect him. The only thing he cared about. It couldn't have been a coincidence. Someone had to have known he was going to be there. They knew, and they waited. His stomach twisted painfully. How could he have let this happen?! Anger swelled in his gut and he stood up abruptly.

"Mello should get some rest." Big panda eyes met Mello's from the doorway stopping him in his track.

"I have some business to attend to." He replied quickly. For a minute nothing was said between him and L studied his face, they had a quiet understanding. L knew that Mello wasn't going to let this go, and that he wasn't going to ask for help either. It was something he felt he had caused, and he was going to fix it. Mello had earned a certain level of respect from L. When he was told he would not get title as L's successor and left, L thought he was childish and too emotionally involved. Which he was. But when Matt refused the title and told L that , "I appreciate the opportunity but I will have to deny this" , which L was already expecting, he said something else. He said, "You will find that with Mello, his biggest weakness is his strength. He is only one other than you I have seen who's refused to give up, even if there is no way for him to win." It was true, and over the years Mello had been a huge help with some of L's hardest cases. He risked his life _and _Matt's to help with the Kira case. The fact either of them came out alive is a miracle. And the monster Kira, does not even remember it. He's less of a monster now. Now, he's just Light. But more on that later.

L scratched his head and frowned. "We have a room where you'll be able to get cleaned up. I've taken the liberty to ask Watari to fetch you a set of clothes." He said.

Mello frowned and looked down at his clothing. He was soaked in blood, and it wasn't _his_ blood either. The idea made him sick. He needed to get out of them as soon as possible. _Fuck I need a shower. _

"I can't promise I'll rest." He said walking with L out of the room, pausing just long enough to glance at Matt's angelic face.

He decided then, he would not come back. Not until whoever hurt Matt was dead. Not until they suffered. He would make them all fucking suffer.

They walked down the long empty corridor in silence. L had his hands in his pockets and was slouched slightly, signature L pose.

"Though you're used to people trying to kill you, Matt is not. What happened there was no accident." L started breaking the silence. He was blunt, straight to the point, what Mel expected him to be. In all honesty it was a relief. In his line of work it was rare to find someone that was straight to the point.

"At first I thought of the possibility of you being the initial target.." he continued. "..but under further investigation I've come to the conclusion that this is not the case."

Mello met L's eyes.

"but you already know this don't you?" he asked monotone. Mello didn't reply, he didn't have to. They had meant to kill Matt. Meant to kill him in order to try and hurt Mello. He didn't know exactly who it was, but when he did…

"I need you keep Matt safe. These people aren't going to quit until either they're dead, or I am.." Mello said as they entered the elevator.

"I will do whatever I can to keep Matt safe." L replied

The elevator doors opened and they were greeted by a tall brunette.

"What's going on?" They looked up to a warm smile from Light. Mello's eyebrows creased as he watched the detectives whole demeanor change.

"Hello Light." L said attempting a small smile. Light returned it with a huge one of his own.

Mello didn't exactly like Light, not that he dis-liked him, just that he didn't like the idea of him with L. He feigned a sort of innocence Mello knew he didn't posses. He was much smarter than he let off to be, but he couldn't help but notice how L's eyes lit up when he was around. There was no denying they worked great together either. His deductive skills were quite extraordinary, of course not the best, but pretty damn close.

Light nodded to Mello, a sign of condolences and kind of a "good luck." Mello nodded back. He didn't know exactly what drew the young boy to L, they were polar opposites. He couldn't have seen it in a million years if it had not been right in front of his eyes.

"Your room is two floors under Matt's." L said as he opened the door to the suite.

"If you need anything, please page Watari. He will get you whatever you need." L said as Mello entered the room.

Mello nodded tiredly and L left him to it. The room was more of an apartment. He had his own kitchen that was attached to the living space. Straight through the living space there were sliding wooden doors, leading to the bedroom. He opened the doors and raised his eyebrows. The room was huge, L sure didn't like to spare luxuries. He had a queen size memory foam bed, oak desk and table top, the glass wall behind the bed and to the left side of it was draped with heavy, expensive looking curtains. This room alone probably cost him a pretty penny.

He didn't like the fancy. It made him feel so out of place. He was used to that small dirty apartment, ugly patched green couch, and cigarette burns. His even smaller apartment now, a single glass table and window. His stomach involuntarily flipped. He had the money, yet he had let them, for years, live in a dirty small apartment. Mello didn't mind, he didn't need a big fancy room to make him happy. But he wished he could have given Matt a big fancy room. He didn't want him to live in the same filth Mello did. And that went with his line of work as well. That's the reason he had left in the first place. It was just so dangerous.

The reasons and supporting details that encompassed his departure from the city kept coming up in his mind. From the minute he took out his suitcase, to biting a piece of chocolate on the plane. _Chocolate…right._

He reached a gloved hand into his vest pocket and pulled out half of a candy bar. He unwrapped the paper nibbling on the ends a bit. He licked lips and closed his eyes, tasting the chocolate and blood mixture in his mouth. He took a deep breath savoring the milky sweetness, did his best to ignore the rest, and turned toward the bathroom.

He tugged his shirt off first, and let it roll off of his shoulders. Long tangled, dirty blonde hair, fell on scarred shoulders. He tugged at his zipper walking through the room. He pushed open the glass shower door and turned it on as hot as it would go. steam immediately started pouring out of the shower and he walked around to the sink.

He looked in the mirror and grimaced. He looked like living fucking hell. With one hand on the counter, he let his leather pants fall to the ground. For a moment he examined all the scars on his toned body. From his neck to his hip bones, down to his feet, he was covered. Thick and thin white lines scattered themselves here and there, each a recounting of some story he could hardly recollect. Most of the worst ones, he noted, had been stitched up by no one other than his beautiful ex roomate. He took a deep breath, tears threatening to escape his eyes, and stepped into the shower.

He let out a sigh as the hot water ran over his hair and down his back. Steam from the shower filled the bathroom, fogging up the mirror. He let one of his arms rest against the side of the shower. Long wet blonde strands hung over his face and dripped slowly. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the running water. He'd never had a better shower in his life.

Just as quick as everything had happened he was out of the shower throwing on tight leather pants and a clean shirt. Gloves were next, followed by new boots. _Watari really out did himself… _he thought.

Once he was dressed and ready to go he pushed the button on the intercom, and seconds later he got a call to his room. He picked it up immediately.

"Your transportation is ready and waiting Sir." He hung up the phone.

Alright, it was time. He wouldn't see Matt before he left. Even if there was a possibility he'd never see him again. This was business. His business. And since everything had started happening he'd been making calls. Whoever did it knew he was coming for them, that he wouldn't stop until they were all dead.

He took the elevator down to the parking lot under the building. Just as described the motorcycle was lone and waiting once the doors opened. There was no time to spare. His black coat swayed as he flung his leg over the side and started the bike. He put on his helmet, allowing one last glance before he took out into the night. Leaving no trail behind.

Now it was time to kick some ass.


End file.
